Beautiful weeper post: "Love. Joy. Justice."

This post from Tea&Cookies made me cry like crazy.

December 9th is the day gay couples in Washington State were legally able to get married.  Tea&Cookies post does such a lovely job of capturing the joy, beauty and the rightness of the day.  And her pictures reflect all that. 

I'm so grateful to live in the day this important step in human justice and equity became possible.  I'm so grateful that all the people I love get to marry that one that they love. And so grateful to Tea&Cookies for noting it so beautifully.

Bridging the Winter

Today the weather is hot and sunny.  And I know someday soon the rain will start. Then stay. Part of what helps me get through the dreary days of February is anticipating when our bulbs will start poking up through the dark, wet soil. Daffodils, narcissus, hyacinth and tulips brighten my day like mini suns.

With the yard remodel (I'm still brewing up before and after pictures) and the bulldozer that raked out huge swaths of grass and yard, I assume most of our bulbs disappeared.  So when the kids and I were trolling Costco this week and came across the racks of bulbs, we loaded up the cart. Vowing to have the bulbs all in the ground before Bill returned from his business trip, I took advantage of the glorious September day.

My bulb planting technics fall into the category of "good enough," developed through a combination of web surfing and watch squirrels. I open all the bags and place handfuls of bulbs strategically around.  Then I grab my shovel, lever open a wedge of dirt, stuff the bulbs in the hole under the shovel and then drop the dirt back down over the bulbs. Stomp on the little mound, chase away the dog and move onto the next pile of bulbs.

Satisfyingly, I planted all 8 bags of bulbs today.  Here's what I will be dreaming of in February.
- 25 narcissus
- 150 tulips (pink/yellow, red/white, red/yellow)
- 28 hyacinths
- 3 giant allium
- 80 crocus
- 50 daffodils

That's 336 spring flowers during the April showers!

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Classify The Ways

One of the things that bugs me about the English language is that lack of words for the idea of friend.* Sure, there are a few synonyms for the people we are more or less close to in our lives (think acquaintance, buddy, classmate, college, partner) , but not clear words for how close we hold someone to our hearts.

It irks me to use the same word for the nice man who has been bagging our groceries for the past 5 years as the girlfriend I tell all my deepest secrets to or tearfully call during a time of crisis.

Two ideas about caring and relationship with people have collided in my brain recently to help me start making sense of this.

First is the idea of circles of influence.  In searching for an image to share, I found that concept of circles of influence is used mostly in business and social welfare. But we can easily apply them to any aspect of our lives.

Using this tool to describe relationships, I could demonstrate the levels of influence people have on me. The more someone affects me, the closer to the center they are. So, if I put myself in the middle, the second circle would quite honestly be my husband as he, more than anyone else influences my life, thinking and enjoyment of the passing years.  The next circle, then, would be the two or three girlfriends with whom I can and do talk about anything and everything in our lives. Many, many circles could be defined next depending on how often I see someone, how authentic of conversation we have, the varying levels of our shared interest. Not surprisingly, the closer to the middle the fewer specific names I would write into any given circle.  And the further out the more names.

The problem with this model comes in with defining the circles.  I could choose how often I see people or the depth of our conversations or how much they influence my daily life or how long I've known them.  But relationships aren't this tidy.  For instance, I have dear friends I talk with everyday on the phone.  But I also have dear friends I only talk with once a year (granted, these are usually marathon-long conversations).  There are people I talk with everyday who have very little impact on my life, they're just in it.

Which brings us to the second idea in the mash up.  Gordon Neufeld describes attachment not just as a single phenomenon, but as a 6 stage process. Each step in becoming attached to someone follows the developmental capabilities of a growing baby each one building upon the earlier ones. Like this:

1- proximity (being near and experiencing with our senses- touch, smell, hearing)
2- sameness (being like someone as in shared traits or interests)
3- belonging (fitting in with, feeling loyal towards, being able to depend on)
4- significance (being important and special to, valued and preferred)
5- love (giving your heart to, feeling warm towards)
6- being known (feeling seen, understood from the inside, believed in, sharing personal truths with)

Now, when I scramble the circle of influence with Neufeld's attachment stages model, I can put the last attachment stage in the middle of my circle with all the other one radiating out from there.  For me this clearly illustrates my relationship with all the people in my world.

What I really want, then, is six words to define friendship.  Six terms that allow us to explain and negotiate our relationships with those around us. Then when you and I were out walking in town and I said hello to a "friend" you'd understand if this was the dude who is careful not to bruise my pears each week or someone so near and dear to my heart.  Or when I canceled a lesson, the teacher would understand the level of importance of my Being Known friend being sick and needing help. Understanding where I landed in people's attachment circle would make easier to know where I stood with people and help me identify which relationships to put more or less of my energy into.  We could so easily describe shifts in relationship, as in she was a Love level friend, but X happened and we've drifted to Sameness.

On the other hand, how quickly do you think we'd create a social disaster when people realized they held each other at different levels?  How would we handle being quickly and easily defined as way less or way more significant to someone that we perceived? Would such clear definition lead to meaning creep, where people start mixing the terms in order to prevent hurt feelings?

Maybe it isn't such a good idea - maybe various words for different friends tried to surface over the ages and were stomped out by the resulting disharmony.  Still, I enjoy thinking about the people around me and how they influence my life.  It is useful for me to clearly define relationships from time to time.  Having structured definitions could enable me to more easily help my kids navigate the tricky world of social connections.

I'd really love to have those six words, if only to use in the privacy of my own head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



* Here I was going to refer to the large number of words that Inuits have for the concept snow, but apparently that is an urban legend based on a misunderstanding of the constructs of the Inuit language.

Why Our Adoption is Like Chocolate Mousse

Imagine, if you will, that you woke up this morning craving dessert.

Not just any dessert, but a very specific flavor and texture sensation.  You spent the day feeling the urge for this perfect dessert, trying to put your finger (and taste buds) on exactly what it was that would fill that aching. Not the lunch you packed, the candy in the vending machines or the doughnuts in the break room are going to even begin to touch the yearning of your tongue.

Finally the work day is over, you've had a nourishing dinner and decide to venture out to The Dessert Place.  As you stand contemplating the dizzying array of options, your eyes fall on a single beautiful cup of chocolate mousse.  Every cell in your body cries out "THAT"S IT!" In that very moment, the server behind the counter takes that last, single cup of glorious mousse from the case and places it into the hands of another customer.

What more is there to do but go home, go to bed and wait for whatever the new day brings.

***********************

Two months ago, in the opportunity to be presented for a sibling group of 3 (4, 2, and 6 months), I saw my chocolate mousse.  The perfect combination of children needing a home to fulfill the dream image of family that I have been holding all these years from a situation that appeared about as healthy, clean and clear as one could get in adoption. I love the idea of the stair-step children (10, 7, 4, 2, and a baby seems perfect).  I love the idea of 5 kids.  I love the distribution of boys and girls.  I love the balance of color this little band would bring to our family.  I love that they had and would always have each other.

Open-eyed, honest evaluation of the reality of bringing three children under the age of 5 into our family all at once clearly showed that the only person currently in our home this would be great for was me.  Everyone else would struggle - and they'd get through it - but it would be super chaos and hard for everyone, maybe tearing us apart for years to come.  And because I love and value my current relationships with my husband and two amazing beautiful children so much, we chose not to be presented for this darling band of siblings.

In that moment, I saw that while there were many ways we could bring more children into our life, that dream I held for the family I wanted is no longer possible. I saw the reality that with this little group of 3 we could have a full family and be "done" at the same time, able to plan what's next with as much certainty as one ever can.  I realized how much I don't want to start over with a whole new set of babies when the two I already have are now at this age of freedom where we can travel and explore and talk and experience the world together.

So I'm done.  Bill and I have decided to wrap up this phase of our life and put the dream of more children and a big family to rest.  In a huge jumble of mixed feelings I am happy, sad, elated, relieved, excited and disappointed all at the same time. Sometimes I ache for the large family I now know I will never have and sometimes I can hardly stand the excitement of seeing what's next for both me and our now complete little family.

Dreaming A Church For Me?

Chartres Cathedral window.

I grew up in a Pentecostal church, Four Square to be exact.  As a young adult, I eschewed all things God, though I did eventually find myself comfortable in some of the New Age spirituality and ideas.

As I mature I don't really miss church per se, but I've come to miss many aspects of having a religious community.  While I've visited a few local churches and thought about what I value and want from a place of worship, my hopes fail that anything in the Seattle area will work for our family.

In my wildest dreams, what I hope for my family is:
- A diverse group. This means at least 50% people of color (heavily participating in leadership) and plenty of LGBT folks.
- Inclusive. I want a church that reflects my belief that we are all One - or precious in the eyes of God as the words from my childhood promised.  So I need a congregation that stands for, and works towards, the equality of all its members - no matter their color, abilities, or sexual orientation.
- Tolerant of varying levels of belief.  Pinning down my own personal belief system evades me.  If one is willing to put spirituality on a continuum (which I am, though many are not), I range somewhere between agnostic and New Age.  Tracking my hubby's current level of belief is even trickier than my own, in part because I don't live in his head. I want a community that supports and accepts each member of our family where we are right now. I dream of a fellowship focused on a rich spiritual life drawing from many of the world's wisdoms and religions without an evangelistic need to make one belief the right path.
- Really great music. Remember, I grew up in a Pentecostal church? I want singing, clapping and loud proclamations of joy during a worship service.
- Community focused. As in a congregation that supports the healthy connection of its members through offering potlucks, various focus group meetings (like marriage, singles, parents, anti-racism, youth), and family events. Ooooooo...  And women's groups.  I long for a warm, supportive women's group.
- For bonus points - Near my house. I want my church to be part of my community, too. Driving 40 minutes to meet with people I can only see during services because the overhead is too far to get together other times doesn't really work for me.

Living in Seattle, I've found many a church that mets some of the above needs, and fails profoundly at the others.  I've heard of a church on the Bay area that ticks off my list beautifully, and I'm green with spiritual jealousy.  Inklings of hope that a church like that will open in Seattle someday trickle through my brain occasionally.

In the meantime, I'll continue to dream. Now that I've shared my hopes with you, let me know if you hear of anything.

Happy Anniversaries

Yesterday Bill and I celebrated 14 years of marriage.  It's a big deal.  Being married isn't always an easy thing, and we've certainly had our ups and downs over the years.  I'm proud of us and happy to be married to him.

We left the kids with our ever capable and delightful housemate.  Then we took the train to the far away and exotic downtown Seattle.  Only 15 minutes from our own home we enjoyed the sunshine, delightful views, great food and each other's company (and a whole 24 hours without kids!!!!!).

Today is the 90th anniversary of the 19th Amendment, the one that gives women the right to vote.  I'm happy about it, too.  Like my marriage there are ups and downs with progress for women. Currently, I'm feeling less that pleased about our over all progress. Just today, two things are getting me down:
- Women being raped in their homes still qualifies as a joke.
- From Teaching Tolerance, a Southern Poverty Law Center publication:

Of course, women still have plenty to fight for, especially when it comes to economics. Most of them still get little respect in the job market. In 2008, the four top occupations for U.S. women were: secretary (or administrative assistant), K-8 schoolteacher, registered nurse and cashier. Even when women get jobs in male-dominated occupations, they still earn less.

Happy Anniversary to us.  May both our marriage and women's rights continue to blossom and grow in the coming years.

Regret Management

Often in making decisions Bill and I like to ask ourselves this question, "Is this a choice we'll regret having made 20 years from now?" We try to peer into the future in a attempt to understand the long-term implications of our actions, hoping to think clearly about all aspects of the choices we are making. We call it "Regret Management."

Sometimes it seems like a useful perspective for decision making, sorting the true mountains from the mole hills. Recently, though, I've been noticing that life isn't that tidy. Hindsight isn't really 20/20 because we can never clearly see what might have been on the road not travelled.

Will I ever regret being married to Bill? No. But having the phd in Medieval French Literature and teaching at the college level might have been really cool.

Will I ever regret the 9 month RV trip around the country with my husband? No. But the long-term investment of that large chunk of change we frittered away buy to the rig and support ourselves for that 9 months would come in handy right now.

Will I ever regret having kids? No. But living the free, easy and adventuresome life of a childless couple could have been very fulfilling.

Will I ever regret moving south to a neighborhood that looks more like our family and supports who each of us is? No. But I sure miss the lovely custom remodeled home and the ease of living in it that we left behind.

Will I regret adding a new baby to our family? I can't possibly think so. But life with our almost big kids is getting to be so fun and easy and full of possibility.

I don't know how to choose what's next because I don't think there is a "right" answer. Heck, I'm not even sure there is a best answer. What if just possibly I could live to always long for the life I didn't choose?

Maybe regret isn't something we can ever manage just learn to be friends with.

Spring Has Sprung!

In response to my annual disappointment at how cold and rainy "early summer" is here in Seattle, I've chosen this year to regard June as "late spring." After the 4th of July we'll talk about "early summer."

In celebration of the Seattle late spring, look what I picked in the garden today!

Waiting for Freaky Friday?

So far this week has been surreal.  And it is only Tuesday.

On Friday Bill's car quit working.  He got it towed to the shop for the weekend, just to learn that the system that controls the lights is fried.  Yesterday, the locks on my car stopped working.  I was locked in and Theo was locked out.  I couldn't use the key fob, the buttons or even open the door with the handles.  Finally I thought to roll the window down so Theo could crawl in.  We've spent the past 2 days entertaining ourselves by accessing our ride through the windows.

Today we took my car in to be serviced and rushed home for an appointment, which never showed.  While we waited for the non-appointment, we ordered pizza (because yesterday I was worried about taking my car to the grocery store and getting stuck there thus we have no meals).  An hour later, still no pizza.  Turns out the delivery driver got lost several deliveries before us and they forgot to tell us the pizza wasn't going to make it.

Hopefully we'll make it to Friday without any other major excitement.

The Garden is Starting!

(pea portrait thanks to Google Images)

A quick trip out to the garden this morning showed 3 tiny pea sprouts peeking out.  I'm so excited for spring with sprouts that turns to summer with garden grazing.  Great plans are in store that may even include a rototiller!

Come on sun.  Slugs beware.

888: Throwing in the Towel

Last year, MamaPeep put me on to the 888 Challenge - read 8 books in 8 catagories in 2008. 

With 2008 safely complete, I can say this challenge kicked my butt.  I read a lot, but it turns out a huge portion of the books I read are for the kids.  One of the attractions of taking the challenge was a commitment to doing some Sara reading.  

Below is my final count.  I put the books I fully read in bold, noted ones I started, and sighed wistfully at all the ones I missed. No doubt there are 5 or 6 information gathering books I ingested but didn't record, so they are gone forever.

Thus far, GoodReads.com dominates my 2009 book tracking attention.  I'm liking the format, it seems quick and easy, plus updates with the few people I've managed to "friend." I'm considering starting an account for Theo so he can share recommendations with buddies.

Sara's 888
Adoption and Race
1. Outsiders Within (started)
2. Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? by Tatum
3. Can We Talk about Race? by Tatum (started)
4. Real parents, Real Children by van Gulden
5. Bone Black by bell hooks
6. Rock My Soul: Black People and Self Esteem by bell hooks
7. I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla by Wright
8. … Looking for a book by first moms… ideas anyone?

Parenting (some of these are re-reads)
1. Kids are worth it by Coloroso
2. Playful Parenting by Cohen
3. Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Kurchinka
4. Protecting the Gift by deBecker
5. The book about raising healthy black children on my desk
6. How to Really Love You Child by Campbell
7. Temperment Tools by Neville and Johnston
8. Mama Rocks' Rule by Rose Rock

Education (for me about teaching the kids)
1. Young, Gifted, and Black: Promoting High Achievement Among African American Students by Steele
2. Smart Girls by Barbara Kerr
3. Dumbing us Down
4. The African history book hiding in one of the unpacked boxes
5. Brain Rules by Medina 
6.
7.
8.

Homeschool (novels for us to read together)
1. Battle for the Castle
2. D'Aulaires' Book of Greek Myths by Ingri and Edgar Parin D'Aulaire (started)
3. Return of the Indian by Banks
4. The Trumpet of the Swan – E.B. White
5. The Sword in the Tree – Clyde Robert Bulla
6. Thimble Summer – Elizabeth Enright
7. Call It Courage – Armstrong Perry
8. The Door in the Wall – Marguerite di Angeli

Graphic Novels
1. Usagi Yojimbo book 7
2. Usagi Yojimbo book 8
3. Elfquest 4
4. Elfquest 5
5. The next Girl Genius
6. More Usagi
7. Elfquest 9
8. More Usagi, again

Make me laugh, make me cry
1. Thank you Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
2. Right Ho Jeeves
3. Something by bell hooks
4. The Tower at Sony Wood by Patricia A. Mchillip
5. iPhone, The Missing Manual (started)
6. Strong Enough? By Mark Rippetoe
7.
8.

The Wanna Read Someday Shelf
1. Healing the New Childhood Epidemics by Kenneth Bock
2. Home Comforts by Mendleson
3. Body Clutter by FlyLady
4. Good Calories, Bad Calories by Taubes
5. Fiber Menace by Monatryrsky
6.
7.
8.

8 Great Plays (to accompany the lecture series by Leonard Peikoff)

  this catagory was "Victorian Pulp Fiction"
1. Antigone by Sophocles

2. Othello by Shakespeare (just couldn't do it.  I hate Othello, it's too dark for me. I listened to the lecture unsupported.)

3. Le Cid by Corneille

4. Don Carols by Schiller

5. An Enemy of the People by Ibsen

6. Saint Joan by Shaw

7. Monna Vanna by Maeterlinck

8. Cyrao de Bergerac by Rostand

Dreamy

The rats are back.  They found a new way into the basement crawl space.  The stench has rendered our entire living space uninhabitable.

We noticed a small stink on Thursday afternoon.  Garbages were emptied, couches were vacuumed but nothing offensive was discovered.  Finally by Friday evening the smell was so bad Bill was compelled to explore the crawl space where he found ample evidence of the dang critters.  I went to bed grossed out and mad.

That night, I dreamed that it was an incredibly dry, windy summer. There was some wild-fire sweeping through south Seattle.  Firefighters came and gave us 2 hours to evacuate. Using our handy-dandy FlyLady evacuation list, we got everything that was important and meaningful to us into my car - you know, 5 people, the dog and her food, computers, essential ID/financial files, pictures and our pillows.  Then we drove to a friend's house on the Eastside where we spent a happy camp-like few weeks.

Our house burned to the ground, all the rats in the neighborhood died, and Bill's car I despise was destroyed. Insurance fully paid to rebuild everyone's houses, bought us a new minivan and replaced everything we needed and wanted.  Everyone live safely and happily ever after.

The pest control guy is coming this afternoon to look around and hopefully clean up.  I'm sure we'll throw a bunch more money at this house before we conquer the rat problem. Sure makes a dry windy summer sound nice.

My Children are Adorable

Out on a walk this morning (to get toothpaste at Walgreens, which is a whole 'nother post), I saw a 2 year old out with his daddy.  That got me remembering how much I adore 2 year olds and how great I am at just admiring wee children for who they need to be in any given moment. Somehow my mommy zen does not extend as well to the early primary age, and I'm working on that.

Coming in the door with toothpaste in hand today, however, I am filled with adoration for who my children are in this moment. 

Rosie greeted me at the door wearing fancy pants, socks and the family iPod - nothing more because she's part polar bear.  Her green and white beads bouncing she danced, sang and smiled in a way that lights my entire life.

Theo hasn't noticed me yet.  He's huddled near to the fire (because he's clothed only in underwear) reading The Silver Chair by CS Lewis.  It is 4 years beyond the level most school experts tell me he "should" be reading and last year he wouldn't let me read it aloud because it was too scary. He started yesterday afternoon and now there are 10 pages left. He has an obsession with reading right now that extends to every inch of print in the house and pulls him beyond himself.

My children are who they are, full of individual passions and inclinations.  I love to wonder how those passions and inclinations will manifest as they reach their 20s and 30. If I can just manage to stay out of their way, they will mature to dynamic self-actualized people who bring their best to our world. Probably from a nude beach somewhere in Hawaii.

Let It Snow

We're off to the mountains today.  Having loved the snow so much growing up, I really wanted my kids to at least know what the white stuff is.  So we have an annual tradition to go spend a few days playing in the mountains.  Most years there are loads of snow.  Right now, though, it's looking a little grim, more of slush mountain than a winter wonderland.

Think snow for us!

More about adoption awareness

Some of the comments to my post about Adoption Awareness Month got me thinking about teenage pregnancy and adoption.

Coming from my passion for attachment parenting, I deeply believe we each understand our abilities to care for and be safe with our children. And if someone things she/he can't give their child what they need, I support them following that intuition.

There are several issues that come to mind, though, in relation to teenage pregnancies. First is that I doubt most teenagers who find themselves pregnant are in the loving supportive environment they need. Studies I've seen indicate that young girls seek sex when they don't have the love and guidance of significant adult males in their lives. So by the time they get to teenage pregnancy, we've got another big indication of the breakdown of the social fiber that should be family relationships. Once these girls find themselves pregnant I'm sure few of them find themselves in nurturing situations with plenty of coaching and education about healthy birth and parenting ideas. Heck, it was tricky to get that in my 30s.

Second, I think our US culture has a huge bias against young moms. I get that they're pretty green in the way of the world. And, the discount of these girls abilities to bond to their babies and respond to their needs angers me. As the daughter of a teenage mom, I've kept an eye on the young mothers around me. The ones who get the coaching I mentioned above, and many who don't, are great moms. Again, to me another symptom of the illness of our society - shame the young ones for getting pregnant, discount their ability to parent, then don't give them any guidance or support to succeed.

On a similar vein, I'm interested that adoption conversations rarely include the dad. If my son helped create a pregnancy and the mama wasn't ready to parent the baby, I would aggressively support him taking on the role of primary caregiver for his baby. Surely daddies count, too.

And again, with fully met needs and enough support, I really do believe a gigantic percentage of women would never let their babies out of their arms. As always in life, there will be exceptions. I want those women to get all the respect and support they need, too.

If I could just push a magic button....

Barnacle Offsite

One of the books I'm perpetually reading is 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, by Stephen Covey. I really love his perspective on focusing on what we want our families to be.  A strategy that Bill and I quickly and easily incorporated into our life is the idea of a regular check-in to make sure the family is headed in the right direction. Based on our best corporate training, we've dubbed these "Barnacle Offsites."

Today we left the kids with our beloved and amazing housemate to head downtown to a friend's office.  With 6 full hours of kid free time, we chugged through our agenda.  Our usual items include the state of the house, how each family member is doing, a conversation about finance/budget and upcoming projects.  

After our first couple of offsites, Bill and I came home with huge lifestyle changes - Bill quitting his corporate job, moving to a new neighborhood.  People in our household became a little nervous about the idea of these meetings. But having resolved some of the major issues with our lives, meetings are now smaller scale tactical conversations and long-term planning.

Last meeting we realized we could schedule the next event in advance, so only 3 months have passed since our last check-in (as opposed to the 9-12 months that slipped away between previous ones).  Amazingly, it was easy to review our progress as we could still interpret our notes.  Also with a specified date looming, we actually kept track of and completed many of our action items. 

We closed our meeting early today having worked through our agenda and identified next-actions. We scheduled a date for the next offsite and headed out to meet the bus.

Happy Wishes

The pies have a golden glow, the sorbets fluff nicely after each mixing and the fully brined turkey waits drying in the fridge. I've a kitchen full of promise here.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!  Hope you day is full of love, peace, laughter and fun.

Turning the Tables

In large part, I started this blog to share some of the information I collect and sort.  The first step in gathering info to share though, is have an empty spot where some knowledge should be.

Coming up on Thanksgiving Day, I am always painfully aware of a vacant space where a tradition should be.  We have the friends and family, we have the meal but we're missing the ritual that makes the day about more than just the food.

I hate the "everybody around the table share one thing they're grateful for" routine.  Anyone have traditions that keep the heart of the celebration without being painfully cheesy?  Bonus points for fun or tactile.