Here's the part that has been bugging me:
And, I find I'm a little afraid to talk about our choice, especially on-line. Really, honestly, in my mind I believe that in a functional world, all babies belong with their first mamas. Yet here we live in this way less than perfect world and I'm about to reap this amazing relationship because of someone else's huge loss. What are people who really know and understand adoption going to think/say?Worrying or even wondering what other people are going to think about me and my decisions isn't really something I do.
So writing and publishing it has sat wrong with me. After long periods of thinking it over, I've decided I'm not really worried about what some of my adoption world heros think of my choices, I'm worried about what I think. Does this choice resonate with my personal integrity?
Here are the questions that really gnaw at me, and I don't know how to answer.
- How do I ever justify being part of a system that takes a baby away from its mama?
- What am I doing to change this truly messed up world?
- What about all those lovely children in foster care who need homes? Do I have responsibility for them in some form as a member of this broken system? Am I a wuss for choosing not to take on the challenges the foster system (not the kids, the system) presents me?
- When I adopt an infant, am I preempting the cycle of neglected child to foster care to eventual adoption? Or am I essentially stealing someone's baby?
- Now that I know so much more about the challenges of transracial adoption, how do I justify bringing another black child into our very white home? Am I deliberately robbing another black child of its culture? Or is our home a reasonable choice in this crazy world?
- Would the world be better off if I just produced more white kids and stayed out of the TRA world?
I'd love to hear what you think.
ps. Let's all pause before moving on to laugh about how self-absorbed it is for me to spend over 2 months thinking about my own blog post. Whew!