Registration's up for Pact Camp!

Camp is officially scheduled for Sunday July 13-Friday July 18, and online registration is up. I'm really excited to be going back this year. I learned so much last that is still having huge ripple effects through our life. I'm really looking forward to another week of transracial adoption conversation and community.

While I've not been to any other camps for transracial adoptive families, I'm convinced that Pact has something very special and unique going. I hope that other TRA families from the Seattle area will join us there, and you can bet your last Twinkie that I'm going to put plenty of energy into convincing several of you to come.

The visiting guest line up is breath-taking. Some of the fantastic speakers from last year are back, along with some rock-stars from the adult adoptees of the TRA world. Check out the full camp program here. And then go here to register! There is even an early bird discount if you register before March 1 (which will help with covering family airfare between Seattle and San Jose).

If you've read my posts about our experiences from last year, you'll know the logistics were challenging for our family - especially Theo. Last week I had a long conversation with Beth Hall from Pact about what we can do to make this work for our whole family. She did a great job of hearing my concerns and letting me know what was in Pact's control and what the camp itself controlled. I think we came up with several ideas that will work for us, so I'm feeling relieved about the logistical side of camp. Whew.

Beth and I also talked about the tone of my earlier posts. I'm still new at this blog thing and had not taken into account how my self assessed "clever" titles might scan to someone who didn't know me or read the full posts. She expressed concern that just a quick read of the titles might scare internet information gathers off from Pact Camp. Because my intent in this blog is to express myself authentically, and truly support the terrific resources and communities I find, I've chosen to slightly edit a few of the posts and change the titles.

So I hope you'll join us. Pact Camp really does change lives.

The 888 Challenge

Mama Peep over at Classical Education Our Way put me on to the 888 Challenge.

I am always up for a challenge that includes lots of books and learning more about whatever tickles my interest, so I immediately started making catagories and lists. Very exciting, though I'm stuck on a few of the catagories (sometimes just for want of a few more unpacked boxes). Let me know if you have any suggestions to fill the gaps!

Sara's 888
Adoption and Race
1. Outsiders Within
2. Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? by Tatum
3. Can We Talk about Race? by Tatum
4. Real parents, Real Children by van Gulden
5. Bone Black by bell hooks
6. Rock My Soul: Black People and Self Esteem by bell hooks
7. I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla by Wright
8. … Looking for a book by first moms… ideas anyone?

Parenting (some of these are re-reads)
1. Kids are worth it by Coloroso
2. Playful Parenting by Cohen
3. Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Kurchinka
4. Protecting the Gift by deBecker
5. The book about raising healthy black children on my desk
6. How to Really Love You Child by Campbell
7. Temperment Tools by Neville and Johnston
8. Our Bodies, Ourselves

Education (for me about teaching the kids)
1. Young, Gifted, and Black: Promoting High Achievement Among African American Students by Steele
2. Smart Girls by Barbara Kerr
3. Dumbing us Down
4. The African history book hiding in one of the unpacked boxes
5. Eight Great Plays by Piekoff (on tape)
6.
7.
8.

Homeschool (novels for us to read together)
1. Battle for the Castle
2. D'Aulaires' Book of Greek Myths by Ingri and Edgar Parin D'Aulaire
3. Return of the Indian by Banks
4. The Trumpet of the Swan – E.B. White
5. The Sword in the Tree – Clyde Robert Bulla
6. Thimble Summer – Elizabeth Enright
7. Call It Courage – Armstrong Perry
8. The Door in the Wall – Marguerite di Angeli

Graphic Novels
1. Usagi Yojimbo book 7
2. Usagi Yojimbo book 8
3. Elfquest 4
4. Elfquest 5
5.
6.
7.
8.

Make me laugh, make me cry
1. Thank you Jeeves by PG Wodehouse
2. Right Ho Jeeves
3. Something by bell hooks
4. The Tower at Sony Wood by Patricia A. Mchillip
5. iPhone, The Missing Manual
6. Strong Enough? By Mark Rippetoe
7.
8.

The Wanna Read Someday Shelf
1. Healing the New Childhood Epidemics by Kenneth Bock
2. Home Comforts by Mendleson
3. Body Clutter by FlyLady
4. Good Calories, Bad Calories by Taubes
5.
6.
7.
8.

Victorian Pulp Fiction
1. George by Alexandre Dumas
2. Cyrano de Bergerac
3. Count of Monte Critso by Dumas
4. Kim by Rudyard Kipling
5. Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte
6. Women in White by Wilkie Collins
7. Tale of Two Cities by Dickens
8. The Wrong Box by RL Stevenson

Does this look like fun to you?

So much cool information to share, but for right now all I can say is: does this look like fun to you? Because it does to me (in a sort of make me puke sort of way).

I need a little more consistancy in my life before I can pull it off, but whooo-wheee!

Socks, sleep, the internet

I'm up in the middle of the night again. Well, actually it is almost morning now (4:47am). This seemed like a great time to share one of my favorite factoids.

Research shows that people who wear socks to bed fall asleep faster than those who don't.

Maybe I should have put socks on 4 hours ago when someone woke me because they needed to use the potty.

The internet is an interesting thing (really this is related to the sock tidbit). Looking for the original source on the sock information - I read it in the newspaper years ago - I Googled "reseach socks sleep." The newspaper bit I read had a specific number that intrigued me, along the lines of sock wearers fall asleep 30 (or was it 70?) percent faster. What I found is plenty of sites that note only that "research says." But no-one who actually cites the study. This site mentions it is a Swiss study, and good old Dr. Mercola explains the science behind it (or at least what sounds like credible science, I can't tell you for sure because he doesn't cite his source.)

So, in the spirit of the internet: Research shows people with bare feet who stay up in the wee hours of the night surfing the internet are grumpier the next morning than those who put on socks and go back to sleep!

For the record

Last week I had one of those “I’m exhausted and I can’t fall asleep nights.” My usual solution to that problem is to surf the web in the darkened living room until my brain slows down to feel the tiredness of my body.

This is not a good plan. Usually, I end up reading blogs from various perspectives on the adoption triangle. And usually, I find at least one post that freaks me out, neatly highlighting that I have NO idea what I’m doing, or clearly underlining how little I truly get what Rosie’s experience of the world is/will be.

So, as usual, I’m up surfing. And as usual I find a blog post that fills me with complete dread. What is unusual about this post is that I’ve already seen it multiple times - it is yet another link to the October 10 Seattle PI article , interviewing me as part of their announcement for the “Which Way Seattle: Transracial Adoption of Black Children?” panel discussion. What filled me with absolute horror about this particular link is where is was posted: Harlow’s Monkey . Harlow’s Monkey, as far as I’m concerned is one of the Meccas of the transracial adoption blog world. The writer is filled with knowledge, compassion, honesty and authenticity in droves. She is a pioneer and one of my current heroes.

So why do I care that she posted the link? Well, because of the article. Because working with the media is a messy thing. When a reporter interviews me regarding a topic I am passionate about, I expect my words to go through their filter, the editor’s mill and come out an imperfect version of what I really said and meant. When this article came out, hubby asked me what I thought, and my complimentary response was, “well, he kind of quoted me sort of right most of the time.” My mom loved the article (okay she loves anytime any of her children or grands end up in the media), my friends said it was “nice.” And usually I’m fine with that. They know me, they’ve already heard me talk at length about the subject. They understand when something the writer said doesn’t really jive with my point of view.

But this is different. Here is someone I deeply respect who barely knows I exist, has no idea who I am, and has no basis for determining if what the article says I said really aligns with who I am. And this is her (an all her readers’) introduction to me. Yikes!

To be honest, interviewing for this article could not have been easy that day. Apparently the PI decided at the last minute to run an article. I’m not sure John Iwasaki was given much time to think through the subject. I was contacted by WACAP, our adoption agency to see if our family was available to do the article. I figure they picked us because they know we’re homeschoolers and would probably at home during the day and in time for Mr. Iwasaki to do the interview, write his article and still meet the deadline. Also, interviewing me could not have been easy. Theo’s in a shy-with-strangers-cling-to-mommy phase. Rosie loves new people and was pelting Mr. Iwasaki with her own line of questioning. It was lunchtime, my kids and I were hungry and working on low blood sugar. And we were babysitting a friend’s two year old. Which means Mr. Iwasaki and I were trying to have a complex adult conversation with three hungry kids demanding our separate attentions.

So just to put it out in the ethers and for my peace of mind:

• The article says “Through the first three years of adopted daughter Rosie's life, Cole busied herself with being a mom. The sociological effect of the adoption never seemed particularly relevant to the white woman.” What I said was that my primary focus was on creating a strong attachment with Rosie and that the focus on our relationships to the outside world were a far second.


• The bit about Rosie noticing other African Americans is right, though off a little on our time line. She was in her 2’s when she made it really clear that she was aware who looked like her and who didn’t. “I thought this was a big deal” was an abbreviation of my reaction that, “Oh, we’re at a new developmental level. This is a big deal - It’s time to change our focus from filling her baby-love cup to creating her attachments with the outside world.”


• Before Bill and I were married, we hatched a plan to have 4 children in our family. At the time, the idea of birthing 4 children into a world where so many kids are not getting their basic physical and emotional needs met seemed highly irresponsible. I’m a little foggier on the “high mindedness” of this idea now, but we’d still really like to adopt more kids into our family. Our basic agreement is still 4. I say I have options on 6. Bill laughs.


• I have two refinements to the final paragraph: "My biggest responsibility is to prepare her for how people perceive her and make decisions based just on how she looks," Cole said. "I think that's the challenge for parents of any child of color."
  
  
  
  • In my conversation with the reporter, I believe what I said went something more like this: “As far as transracial adoption goes, one of my biggest responsibilities….” I really did get at Pact Camp that for most transracial adoptees race trumps all other questions of who and how to be in the world. And Rosie is a complex little person who will need to have a full understanding of the multiple layers of own racial identity. Helping her navigate how other people perceive her is important, but probably not as important as how she defines and accepts herself.
  
  
  • About this being a challenge for the parent of any child of color, I would just add that my next sentence got edited out. It went something along the lines of, “And for those of us who don’t have the personal racial experiences our children will have, it has an added level of difficulty for which we need to be truly diligent and resourceful.”
    
    I’m extra sensitive to how John reported this comment because of a recent post by Tama Janowitz in the New York Time’s series called “Relative Choices.” I, and others in the adoption community, found her post astonishing and offensive from a variety of perspectives. I fear being lumped into her camp, “parenting an adoptive child isn’t really any different than parenting a biological child.” Personally, I’m of the deeply held conviction that parenting our TRA children comes with challenges we will never face with our biological children. Two specific ones: being separated from their biological mothers creates a deep primal attachment wound I am convinced will affect our kids their entire lives. Secondly, being a different color than intimate family creates the “Outsider Within” phenomenon that necessitates that these children question and search for their racial identity in a way my look-like-me children never will.
    
  
  
  
  

And with that, balance is restored to the universe.

The Nutcrackers

Come November 1, the people in my household undergo a miraculous change. Theo becomes a Prince, Rosie transforms into Fritz, I hail to Marie, Bill to Godfather Drosslemeyer, and Maggie’s doggie features become Mouse King traits. For 2 months, we are a living Nutcracker household.

I have no idea WHY we purchased our first Nutcracker DVD, Theo was 3 and Rosie about 6 months and most decisions from that time period are fuzzy. Anyway, we acquired a copy of the George Balachine and the New York City Ballet's Nutcracker and Theo watched it hundreds of times. He memorized every movement of every dance. He was the Nutcracker Prince (played, gasp, by Maucauly Culkin) for Halloween.

A year later, fearing that he would become bored with the same version over and over, I bought him a copy of the Ballet of the Slovak National Theater Nutcracker, which he proceeded to watch probably 50 times before coming up for air. Titillated by a second version of the Nutcracker, Theo wanted to see more. I wanted him to experience the beauty of live music and the thrill of seeing the dancers on the stage. So we got tickets to the Pacific Northwest Ballet’s Nutcracker. He sat on my lap through the entire performance, and I experienced his thrills through the tremble of his little 4 year old body when soldiers rolled out their cannons, also his complete anguish of living though the lovely (and thus boring) dance of the Snowflakes. We spent most of that Christmas season talking about the differences between Balanchine and Stowell/Sendak’s interpretations of the story.

When our third Nutcracker year rolled around, we were living with a real life ballerina, our new housemate Jana! Having a dancer in our house, one that had participated in the Nutcracker for most all her life, brought a new rule into our lives. No Nutcracker until after Halloween. It just didn’t seem right to subject her to the Sugar Plum Fairy in July. Mid-December, we went to see her dance in ARC Ballet’s "Taste of the Nutcracker". Theo was thrilled with the small scale performance and enjoyed being able to sit on the gymnasium floor right next to where the dancers were. He would not, however, talk to Jana after the performance because she was in costume. The rest of our post-Halloween season was split between careful study of NYCB, PNB, and Slovak versions. Theo stunned me with his own version of the doll-soldier dance, almost perfectly recalling Balanchine’s chorography though his little body could not always mimic as well as his memory.

Until this point, Rosie had been a Nutcracker tagalong, playing nearby the TV while Theo jumped up and down on the couch to various dances, sitting on my lap at the ARC performance, hanging out with Daddy while we went to see PNB. At 2½, Rosie came into her own. She discovered I had the Nutcracker music on CD, and introduced Theo to the joys of dancing around the living room. Soon, I had two sword-wielding, stick horse-riding children propelling wildly through the house for what seemed like hours at a time.

Last year, we added The American Ballet Theater’s Nutcracker to our collection, with Mikhail Baryshnikov and Gelsey Kirkland. The kids only needed to view it a few times to integrate the differences between this and all the others. Theo’s interest in the Nutcracker eased, willing to watch the DVDs and attend the PNB performance, no longer spending every moment of the day as The Prince. Rosie’s first words in the morning, however, became “call me Fritz.” Her adoration for the wild little brother who breaks the Nutcracker in an act of spite entertained us all. Within a week, she had all of 4 the adults in our household trained to begin and end every sentence addressed to her with “Fritz.” “Fritz, will you put on your socks please, Fritz?” garnered all sorts of smiles and cooperation from her that made the game worthwhile.

As the summer air cooled this year, Rosie anticipated the arrival of Nutcracker season. In September she was already asking to get it out. Thankfully our Jana-pity rule allowed me to easily put off getting out the DVDs until November 1. It was hard to tell this year if Rosie was more excited about the fun of Halloween or the joy of the first Nutcracker viewing. Quick agreement was reached about which ballet to begin with – New York City Ballet is always our first. But all this careful study over the years has lead to discriminating tastes. So now our routine also includes careful negotiations of which version to see, with both children reminding each other about the merits of preferred parts of the one they are hoping to see.

Theo still spends parts of his day as the Prince or a Soldier, scouting out empty rooms before I enter to protect me from the Mouse King, though he is more engrossed in comic books than the Land of Sweets. But Rosie has taken on his passions, telling people at the grocery store that her name is Fritz and calling me Marie throughout the course of the day. Our daily discussion center around complex analysis of all things Fritz. Why did he break the Nutcracker? How was he feeling? Maybe he should have taken a nap before the party? Does the Mouse King represent Fritz in Marie’s dream?

I like to think our years of interest and study in the Nutcracker is my children’s first literary experience: exploring different interpretations of a story, discussing characters and their motivations, learned how to compare and contrast many similar works.

In case you’re interested in the Nutcracker, here is our quick rundown of the versions we've seen:

New York City Ballet and George Balanchine By far the children's favorite for the narration and the many child dancers. Adults find Maucauly Culkin's wooden performance wearing after 15 or so viewings. We recommend this as the best way to introduce other children to the Nutcracker.
Ballet of the Slovak National Theater The children enjoy this production as it shows the dancers getting ready for the performance: applying makeup, putting on costumes, helping each other get ready. It has sparked the beginnings of understanding how much work goes into the performance, not just the effort of the dancers, but an entire team of people who create the costumers, the sets and make everything look and move along with the dancers.
Pacific Northwest Ballet While there is no DVD available for this, we do have a copy of the book. Stowell and Sendak team up to create a very different story where Clara and the Prince travel to a Pashima's domain rather than the land of sweets. The changed interpretation is stimulating for the kids. As big Sendak fans, we all enjoy the familiar, fantastical tone of the scenery.
American Ballet Theater As tastes in our household mature, the ABT version is becoming the preferred production. Who can resist the strong leaps of Baryshnikov or the grace of Kirkland? This is the one to watch if you'd like to truly admire the dancing. Also, my children have noted the story of this version to be "nicer." Clara and Fritz behave more as wound up, yet loving siblings that warring parties, and the Nutcracker is broken by a well-meaning but drunk guest rather than by Fritz.

Slippery Slope to Adulthood

Theo woke up this morning looking like a cross between Beast Boy from Teen Titans and Bucky the Cat from Get Fuzzy.













By this evening, he looked like a seven year old, just in time for his birthday.




















What’s a mama to do? I’m still cherishing the day he got these teeth, now he’s busy losing them. And you know what replaces them? Adult teeth!!

I reel at how fast my little man grows.