Source: Sara

Karen Mangiacotti is my kind of feminist

2011-12-29T10:09:00.000-08:00

This article/post/editorial by Karen Mangiacotti made me scream with laughter and agreement. It is too good not to share.

The Penis Mom

When I was little I wanted to be a lot of things: Johnny Carson's replacement; A Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so good I was the only one on the team; an artist with my own wing at the Boston Museum of Fine Art -- you know, normal stuff. I wanted to be a lot of things, but I never -- I PROMISE you -- ever wanted to grow up to be someone known as "The Penis Mom".

But here I am.

go here for full text

I am The Rooster

2011-12-19T16:23:00.000-08:00

Cleaning off my desk today, I found a copy made out of a co-worker's Chinese Horoscope book about 15 years ago. At the time I thought it a delightful description of myself and my goals. Now I hope for more rest, peace and gentleness than it allows, though I suspect my family still easily recognizes me in its lines.

The Rooster
I am on hand
To herald in the day,
And to announce its exit.
I thrive by clockwork and precision.
In my unending quest for perfection
All things will be restored to their rightful place.
I am the exacting taskmaster.
The ever-watchful administrator.
I seek perfect order in my world.
I represent unfailing dedication.

I AM THE ROOSTER

Sara's Should Read List

2011-11-28T15:38:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I said I was going to put my blog on pause for a while. And I'm cleaning out my bookshelves so that I have room to store and easily access the materials I'm using for my courses. This means something has to go - I have books stacked all over.

One entire bookshelf is dedicated to books I think I should read - but haven't gotten to. The shelf started a few years ago and continues to grow. The problem is when I'm looking for something to read, I never stroll over and pick something out because there are 4 other books someone just handed me or recommended.

With a deep breath, I'm clearing off the shelf. I figure if I list everything here, I can easily come back to the list and then request the book from the library. In the meantime, such desirable titles should fetch me a pretty penny at HalfPrice, right?

I was going to make a paper list, but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find it again. Ditto for a list in some random place on my computer. But my blog, I'll remember and be able to find the list again on my blog.

Without further ado:

- Echo by Terry Moore (no wait, this is a graphic novel by one of my favorites, I'm putting this book upstairs on my bedside table)
- Nurtured by Love by Shinichi Suzuki
- The Magic of Matsumoto: The Suzuki Method of Education by Cr. Carolyn Barrett (okay, this has actually been on my to read pile since Theo was 18 months old. Boy am I glad to see it go, though I hear it is a lovely book.)
- A Young's People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn (uhhhh, I can't let this go. I just need to preview it a bit for Theo. Guess it goes in the homeschool shelves.)
- The Explosive Child by Ross Greene (I don't know why this book is on the shelf. I read it. It had some good points, though I didn't love the solutions. I'm putting it on the parenting shelf for helping me identify my kids' triggers.)
- The Seven Days of Kwanzaa by Angela Medearis (I read this one, too. Goes in the Christmas box).
- Sula by Toni Morrison (I love Toni, I just can't do dark books right now)
- Playing Smart by Susan Perry (This is a great book about all sort of fun things you can do with kids to improve their physical, social, emotional and academic intelligence. Just leafing through it makes me feel inadequate.)
- Can We Talk About Race by Beverly Tatum (I've read parts of this, too. She's a great writer, and this is a subject I think is vitally important to our family and I'm 10 steps behind on. I feel really guilty for not taking the time to finish it right now.)
- Hearts West: True Stories of Mail-Order Brides on the Frontier by Chriss Enss. (I think my mom lent me this book. Time to start a new pile.)
- Growing up Global: Raising Children to Be At Home in the World by Homa Sabet Tavangar.
- Freemasonry by Giles Morgan (left by one of the British soccer coaches we hosted. Apparently very interesting peek into the old boys network of George Washington et al.)
- Dance of Attachment by Holly van Gulden (OH! I've been looking for that)
- In Their Sibling's Voices by Rita Simon and Rhonda Roorda (Oh, I was looking for that, too)
- Healing the New Childhood Epidemics: Autism, ADHD, Asthma and Allergies by Kenneth Bock
- The Oxytocin Factor by Kerstin Moberg (losing my resolve on this on, it was a hard to find book about a subject that may still come in handy to understand more deeply, putting it back on a shelf somewhere)
- Ultra: Seven Days by Luna Brothers (recommended by my hubby, putting it back on his shelf)
- Our Red Hot Romance is Leaving me Blue by Dixie Cash
- Money for Nothing by PG Wodehouse (okay, Wodehouse books makes me laugh so hard I cry. It goes back on the shelf.)
- Little Birds by Anais Nin (ooohhh, I was looking for this, too. Goes back on regular book shelf. Maybe up high out of 10 year old reach.)
- A Short History of Ancient Times by Philip Van Ness Myers, part of the History At Our House series (another hard to get one. Goes in the Ancient History bin for Theo to read next time we hit this cycle, he'll be 13 or 14)
- White Men on Race by Joe Feagin & Eileen O'Brien. (gosh, another one I know I will benefit from reading in the long run and be so glad I read)
- One Minute Mysteries: 65 Short Mysteries You Solve with Math by Eric Yoder (WHY is this on MY to read shelf??)
- 101 Things Everyone Should Know About Math by Ze, Segal and Levy (obviously I know everything I need to know about math because I survive or go ask my hubby or buddy Jenn. This must go on the homeschool shelf.)
- Raising Black Children Who Love Reading and Writing by Dierdre Paul (This book is from 1964. I know I've got the children who love reading part down pat. When I got this book I was looking for good books lists starring black children for my kids to enjoy. Now, there is so much more out there, I need an updated book.)
- Dear America: the Diary of Dawnie Rae Johnson by Andread Davis Pinkney (book from the perspective of a 12 year old just after Brown vs Board of Education. A quick glance tells me it is a pretty great book. Going into the American History bin for next cycle.)
- Pie by Sarah Weeks (a book about a cat name pie, just the picture on the front sort of makes me want to gag.)
- book with homemade cover out of green construction paper. (It's a great book with a HORRIBLE title. I call it the book of shame, but I'm for sure keeping it. And no, I probably won't tell you what it is.)
- The Man with the Iron Mask, the Marvel Comics version. (Apparently I don't do Dumas in picture form. Giving back to Bill.)
- Lapham's Quarterly: Ways of Learning, Gall 2008. (From a friend, guess I need to figure out if she wants it back first)
- The 100 Best African American Poems by Nikki Giovanni, with CD (definitely goes in the poetry book shelf)
- The Power of Rest: Why Sleep is Not Enough by Matthew Edlund (this book ROCKS. I have the revie copy and have loved it. Another one of those books I've been looking for. I wonder if the released book is different.....)
- Little Princes: One Man's Promise to Bring home the Lost Children of nepal by Conor Grennan (I have literally NO idea where this came from or when)
- Hey, Cowgirl, Need a Ride? By Baxter Black (whaaaa?)
- Baby Bargins, 8th edition (sadly, no need for this anymore)
- The Nature of Animal Healing: Definitive Holistic Medicine Guide to Caring for your Dog and Cat by Martin Goldstein (filed back on health book shelf, this is one of my faves.)
- Holistic Guide for a Healthy Dog by Volhard and Brown (refiled, too)
- To Teach, the journey, in comics by William Ayers (back to Bill)
- Teach Like a Champion: 49 techniques that put students on the path to college by Doug Lemov (the picture on the front looks like one of those inspirational golf posters, sigh)
- A Children's Garden: 60 ideas to make any garden come alive for children by Molly Dannenmaier
- The Family Kitchen Garden by Karen Liebreich
- The Crochet Answer Book by Edie Eckman
- PhotoReading by Paul Scheele (another mis-shelved book)
- Cartwheels in a Sari by Layanti Tamm
- The Ladies of Grace Adieu by Susanna Clarke
- The Cheese Chronicles: a journey throughout the making and selling of cheese in America, from field to table by Liz Thorpe (sounds delicious...)
- How to Open and Adoptiong by Patricia Martinez-Dorener (haven't read yet, but goes on the adoption shelf)
- Branded, the Making of a Wyoming Cowgirl by Deirdre Graves (must be from mom)
- Bone Black: Memories of Girlhood by bell hooks
- What Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria by Beverly Daniel Tatum (I read this forever ago and was actually looking for it the other day. Goes in the shelves.)
- African American Firsts by Joan Potter
- Eternal Life: A New Vision by John Shelby Spong
- killing rage: ending racism by bell hooks
- Nature Walks in and around Seattle by Stephen Whitney (I think I'll hold onto this, and put it in the homeschool shelves, we could use some new adventures)
- Race by Marc Aronson (this is an awesome book I'll really enjoy some day)
- Fearless Girls, Wise Women& Beloved Sisters: Heroines in Folktales from Around the World (definitely goes in the homeschool pile)
- Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama (lent from my mom)

Three books I'm putting back on the to read shelf because they were gifted to me by girlfriends when I asked for copies of their favorite books:
- The Ladies of Grace Adieu by Susanna Clarke
- Out of Africa by Isak Dinesen
- The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

Ahhhhh. That narrows it down from 2 full shelves to 5 books. That guilty knot in my stomach feels much better. Now I know what to pick up when I finish my current read, "Before she gets her period" by Jessica Gillooly.

A Very Full Life

2011-11-20T13:48:00.001-08:00

I'm sure you've noticed I have not posted in a while. Everyday I mean to - I've been learning so much I'd like to write about, both for my own internal processing and integration and to share with you all.

This year, Bill and I have decided to add back in neurodevelopmental programs to help shore up several places where each child seem to be struggling. What does this really mean? Thanks to an evaluation with my friend Donna Bateman (one of the most dedicated mamas I know and a true delight), who trained with the Family Hope Center, I'm helping the kids do lots of reflex stimulations (as explained by Donna here and by another site I found here) and creeping and crawling. Yes, creeping and crawling like puppies and crocodiles. Remember, the brain is a muscle that grows through use and when we spend time on our bellies and hands and knees, we organize the pons and mid-brain, areas responsible for hearing, reading, writing, emotional control, following many step commands, plus tons more. And by we, I mean my kids!

To quicken the neurodevelopmental work, we're focusing on some important complimentary areas - especially nutrition, still sticking with the paleo theme (plus we're about to start chasing the Candida plague around here) and integrative manual therapy.

Of course there is always the academic work, though scaled back some, we need to get through in a day. Plus all the fabulous classes our Seattle homeschool community provides. Right now either one or both of the kids is doing: Japanese class, piano lessons, hip-hop dance, math class (with our math hero, Jenn), girl choir, guitar, soccer and scouts. Whew. And all the associated driving.

In what seems like a true act of self-indugence, I've signed up for the Advanced Studies Program with the Neufeld Institute. I can't even put to words how much fun I'm having learning more deeply about the developmental attachment paradigm Dr. Neufeld has created. I've just finished a training for his Vital Connections course and will do my first practicum facilitating it in January. Somehow at the same time as my training class, I volunteered to host another Intensive 1 group. Intense has been the correct word for doing two Neufeld courses at the same time! So much fun, I managed to double schedule again for January when I'll facilitate the Vital Connection course while completing a training in his Making Sense of Play course. At the end of the 2 year program I expect to be facilitating both the Vital Connection and Art and Science of Transplanting Children for the adoption community in the Puget Sound area, helping moderate a dynamic Neufeld focused community in the Seattle area and using the knowledge I have as a parent coach to support other parents.

While I truly love the work Dr. Neufeld is doing, I also adore and deeply value Holly vanGulden's work with developmental attachment and adoption. I did a 3 day training with her in Minnesota this September and have been integrating what I learned in my daily interactions with my kids. I've also been sharing more about it with other adoptive parents as I see how much Holly's knowledge and experience speaks specifically to what we see in our adopted kids. In the pause between my Neufeld courses, I plan to sit down and brush up on her training manual.

Not something I'm likely to post much about on the world wide web, I still put quite a bit of time and energy each week into my personal growth hobby.

My brag for the month is that 6 days a week for the past 3 weeks, I've been in bed asleep by 8:30, and mostly slept until 7 or 8:00. I'll keep on sleeping 10+ hours a night until I'm naturally waking up rested around 6am. Chipping away at my apparently enormous sleep debt may be the only thing that really helps me keep all these balls I'm juggling in the air fairly gracefully.

Add these to my daily attempts to run the household, connect with my husband, keep the dog well exercised, practice guitar, present delicious nutritious food 5x a day and somehow fit back in my beloved CrossFit, and sadly, I just can't post right now.

My hope is that once I have a few training courses under my belt I'll have more brain space to write about the things I'm learning. For now, though, consider my blog on pause.

Feel free to email me or call if you have questions or want to say hi. I'll miss you all!

Squash Happiness

2011-10-17T18:54:00.000-07:00

Apparently I've been preoccupied over here seeing as how over a month has past since I last posted. I think about posting almost everyday and have lots of pictures to share. Just not much free time in which to post.

For the moment my recommendation of the day: both buttercup squash and blue ballet squash are really yummy! Baked and served with butter or pureed into a warming breakfast soup.

Happy fall to you all.

Bridging the Winter

2011-09-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

Today the weather is hot and sunny. And I know someday soon the rain will start. Then stay. Part of what helps me get through the dreary days of February is anticipating when our bulbs will start poking up through the dark, wet soil. Daffodils, narcissus, hyacinth and tulips brighten my day like mini suns.

With the yard remodel (I'm still brewing up before and after pictures) and the bulldozer that raked out huge swaths of grass and yard, I assume most of our bulbs disappeared. So when the kids and I were trolling Costco this week and came across the racks of bulbs, we loaded up the cart. Vowing to have the bulbs all in the ground before Bill returned from his business trip, I took advantage of the glorious September day.

My bulb planting technics fall into the category of "good enough," developed through a combination of web surfing and watch squirrels. I open all the bags and place handfuls of bulbs strategically around. Then I grab my shovel, lever open a wedge of dirt, stuff the bulbs in the hole under the shovel and then drop the dirt back down over the bulbs. Stomp on the little mound, chase away the dog and move onto the next pile of bulbs.

Satisfyingly, I planted all 8 bags of bulbs today. Here's what I will be dreaming of in February.
- 25 narcissus
- 150 tulips (pink/yellow, red/white, red/yellow)
- 28 hyacinths
- 3 giant allium
- 80 crocus
- 50 daffodils

That's 336 spring flowers during the April showers!

Thinking about Boredom

2011-09-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

"Mommy, I'm booooored" is a fairly common refrain around here. I used to celebrate it as a sign that my kids were about to pass through a zone of discomfort and come out on the other side with some new fantastic project. Which happened sometimes, but not always. Maybe not even often.

Eventually, I figured out that "bored" usually stands for an unmet need, and I refined it to tired, hungry or lonely. My new definition works better for both kids, they can usually identify one of the 3 issues, but it still doesn't always get us to resolution.

From Gordon Neufeld's blog aka "editorial page" one of his faculty, Jonas, writes a lovely perspective on seeing and handling a child's complaint of boredom. I'm going to try out his tactic of collecting and connecting. I'll bet it is the best "solution" yet.

Being Bored (read the full text here)

“Daddy, I am bored,” my six year-old son comes into my home office complaining. I have a feeling of déjà vu. I have heard this before. In fact all my children around this age have shown up with the very same expression: “Daddy, I am bored”. I used to think that they lacked for ideas of what to do. And so, I used to come up with at least a dozen suggestions. It never seemed to work though. My children left seemingly unsatisfied with my suggestions. I used to brush off my discomfort by remembering what I had read in popular psychology columns, that it was a good thing to be bored. As the years passed my two older home-schooled children are no longer in this stage. I never hear them complain about being bored. They seem to have found that never ceasing inner-well of creativity, filling them with endless curiosity. Yes, they show up at my home office, but more likely with precise questions like, ”What is a black hole?” or ”What is the difference between government and parliament?” or ”Why does a car have a gearbox?”
After studying the Neufeld paradigm I obtained words to many things I knew intuitively, and I also received confirmation of others things of which I was not fully certain. But I never understood the meaning of “Daddy, I am bored” until taking one of the Neufeld Distance Education courses.

Shampoo Bar?

2011-08-31T11:06:00.000-07:00

Apparently I was in a total stupor when I wrote this post and my brain mixed Lush, the maker of the lovely shampoo bars and amazing bath bombs, and Kiehl's, another of my cosmetic-maker crushes into one happy store.

Sooo, edited for accuracy (million thanks to Erin):

Rosie and I wandered into Lush a while back, trying to escape the rain downtown. We sniffed bath bombs, admired sparkly lotion and one of the employees indulged us to a hand treatment.

Somehow the bright 20 something also talked me into buying soap and conditioner bars. The amazing jasmine smell of the shampoo bar lured me into saying yes. Still, I came home thinking, weird.

Now I'm in love with my shampoo and conditioner bars. They're easy to use - 5 strokes in my hair with the shampoo bar and I'm all suds. Conditioner bar takes about 8 strokes, still efficient and very effective. The employee had said the bar would last longer than a medium bottle of shampoo. Beyond skeptical I just nodded, but it turns out she's right, the bar lasts a long time. And super bonus, they are so easy to travel with. Pop them in the little tin, drop them in my bag and off I go. No issues with how many ounces of liquid they are or concerns that the pressure of travel will cause leaking.

The shampoo bar is gentle and it doesn't seem to strip my hair. It feels as good as Dr. Bronner's soap on my hair without all the mess and crazy messaging. Check out the bar, you might become a convert, too. Also, grab a few of the amazing bath bombs while you're at it.

From the other part of my cosmetic-crush brain:
I've been a fan of Kiehl's products for a long time. I'm not sure they're super natural, but they smell and feel better on my skin than most beauty products. Their lip gloss tops my list, you'll probably love it, too.

Today's Workout

2011-08-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. As a warm up, we started with some shoulder lifts (pushing a bar with weights over my head) at about 38 lbs until I just couldn't lift my arms over my head any more - I did about 25 in sets of 5.

Then I did today's workout which was:
squats and sit-ups
50
40
30
20
10

That means I did 150 squats and sit-ups in about 20 minutes. Go ME!

Great Lego Documentary

2011-08-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Totally sleep deprived, Bill and I downloaded this super Lego Documentary for family entertainment last week. I'm still thinking about it, and the kids refer it it regularly through the day.

My mind reels at the huge production and sales numbers cited. There is also a fascinating bit on the history of the Lego company.

Take a look at it and let me know what you think.

Sorry about the weird formatting. Things don't always seem to fit well in this new blogger template I'm using.

Busy Summer Fun

2011-08-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

Being gone for 10 days in August allowed our garden to go crazy. With Bill and Rosie off together on a business trip (her first!!), Theo and I took advantage of the lovely day to harvest some bounty.

We got giant squash and 16 (count them 16) cups of basil leaves.

Of course, that much basil calls for some serious pesto preparation. Theo and I took turns adding ingredients. Our recipe turned out to be a little creative because I didn't have enough of most anything in the house to make 5x my normal pesto recipe. For nuts we used almonds, pecans, cashews and pepitas. For garlic we used some fresh, some roasted giant garlic I happened to have on hand and some whipped garlic from Lebanese Breeze.

Theo adds in the first layer of basil for a lovely stratification of ingredients (if that looks to you like a lot of salt on top, it is. I got a little confused in my converting).

After a thrilling time mixing the ingredients, we scooped out the pesto into 1/4 balls for freezing.

Now, we have a large bag of summer sunshine ready for those cold gray days ahead. As a bonus, we really enjoyed our time together as just two, and I got some good sidewards homeschool math and problem solving into the mix.

Next project: doing something paleo with those giant squashes.

Camping Taste Test: Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips

2011-08-14T17:40:00.000-07:00

Part of the fun of camping with the homeschool group is the various activities that go on over the 4 days. Our family loves taste tests, and this year Theo and I decided his favorite potato chips should be verified.

We bought 4 brands of salt and vinegar chips: Lays, Kettle, Tim's and Trader Joe's with a bag of corn chips as palate cleaners. After a shark frenzy of little kids tasting, their associated adults and a stealth batch of teens, we recorded 25 tasters, though I'm sure we had more.

Here's how the numbers broke out:
Lays - 5
Kettle - 16
Tim's - 2
Trader Joes - 0
Corn chips - 2

Obviously Kettle stomped out the competition.

Interestingly, all of the Lays votes came from people under the age of 8. The Tim's were for the most part rejected as too sweet (and were the only brand including sugar as an ingredient). Somehow, TJ's just plain missed the boat - too crunchy, too bitter, too vinegary. Both corn chip votes came from kids under 5.

On The Road

2011-08-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

Wednesday our family hits the road.

First, we're off to camp near Mt. Rainier with about 30 other homeschool families - tribal living as humans were intended to exists, plus marshmallows!

From Rainier, we're trekking up to Vancouver Island, Canada where I have the great pleasure of attending an Intensive 3 course with the Neufeld Institute - focusing intensely on the 6 levels of attachment. Bill's bringing his work, the kids will find themselves rubbing shoulders with Canadian kids at a not-completely-randomly-picked summer camp. Wish us all luck!

We're back around the 15th, it'll probably take a few days for me to get back on my writing feet. Until then, enjoy the sunshine!

John Raible Rocks, Again

2011-07-29T21:40:00.000-07:00

Posted on his blog today is a short video addressing oppression and adoption. What I love about John is his amazing skill of combining the straight up truth with clear thinking and beautiful ways of expressing himself.

The video has me thinking about two things right off:
- what am *I* doing right now to be an ally to my kids, my friends and the people in my communities?
- what is adultism and how do I balance an understanding of it with my understanding of a child's need for hierarchical relationships (to be free to depend and be taken care of)?

Here again is the link to his 10 minute video. At the end of the post, you'll see a link to his hour long webinar that most certainly is worth a listen or seven.

If you're an adoptive parent or considering adoption, really, go hear what John has to say.

Outside is Good

2011-07-29T19:04:00.000-07:00

Summer seems to have finally arrived in Seattle. While the rain has been trying for my soul, the newly installed garden has greatly appreciated the many deep soakings. Probably our water bill has, too.

The updated yard includes four generous planting boxes for my baby-step square foot approach to growing veggies. With 44 designated square feet, I'm awash in 44 yummy options. And that's in addition to all the edible bushes filling our plantable spaces.

When we bought this house our 7200 square foot property came split into various smaller "regions." The backyard came as a lush green lawn surrounded by tall cedar fencing -great for privacy. Then there was a tiny front yard split by tall fencing from a good sized but non-visible and much-neglected hilly side yard. Along the street, on the other side of both the driveway and the tall backyard fence someone built a fairly large terraced area that is invisible from all other parts of our house and yard. We call it the Back 40.

The front and side yards recently merged and terraced to create a space that our family spends a huge amount of time enjoying. I drink my morning tea out there before the rest of the family wakes. The kids play and jump in the trampoline by the hour. We all spend time picking berries and fussing over the veggie boxes. Bill hangs out in the sitting area practicing guitar. The dog lolls around near everyone, keeping careful watch over birds and passers-by.

For some reason, during the planning process, Bill and I (well mostly me) figured we wouldn't need help with the Back 40. I had plans to recruit a neighbor to garden the space. Well, for the 2nd year in a row the garden-share plans fell through. So while our front/side yard is delicious, gorgeous and well used, the Back 40 sports a gigantic weed pit. Mostly I'm distressed by the horror of it, but Rosie as an 8 year old doesn't see weeds, she sees flowers. This week it became our bouquet picking area.

I'm grateful summer is really here. I'm grateful to have an outside space that works so well for our family. I'm grateful to have such lovely kids who remind me to relax and find the joy in life.

Gosh, I hope the weather holds!

Chatting about Collecting

2011-07-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

As part of my collecting research, I brought the subject up with a group of friends who have also done the Neufeld Intensive 1 and 2 courses.

I loved everything they said and so enjoyed hearing their perspective. Too busy listening to take notes, here is what I currently remember from the conversation.

- Collecting has various iterations. My previous post focused on the collecting we do after a separation - be it a physical separation like being in different locations for a couple of hours or a mental separation of a kid involved in media or a book for a length of time or an emotion separation as in a disagreement that creates discord and distance between us.

Collecting is also part of a more constant state. It is the moments of connection between us and our kids that grow the strength of love between us. Someone referred to it as growing and strengtheing the cord of love that connects us, and used a hand gesture that reminded me of a tree branch getting thicker and more complex with time and the stresses and strains of life.

- One friend referred to collecting as the sauce that makes everything else go. He talked a lot about how collecting, more than being things that we do, is a posture and the way that we ARE with our kids. Warmth came up over and over in this part of the conversation - lighting up when our kids come in the room, letting know that we're crazy about them, so in love with them and really enjoy being with them.

Warmth, as I wrote before, can seem like a pretty alien concept to me. But in listening to my friend, I remembered how often Neufeld talks about offering a complete invitation to our children to be fully themselves in all their glorious and less perfect ways. Warmth, and invitation, then might just be other words for unconditional love. Both sides of the unconditional love - the unconditional "I love you no matter what" part and the love "my heart delights in seeing and knowing you" part.

I'm thinking then, and let me know what you think, that a large part of collecting is letting our children know that they are wholly and completely embedded in our hearts forever more.

15 Years Coming Up

2011-07-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

In a month, Bill and I will have been married for 15 years. Woof. That's a lotta years.

For anniversary sport, we usually at least try to make a nod to the Traditional/Modern Anniversary Gift Guide. Sometimes it is a stretch. In the past I've gotten Bill a subscription to the New York Times (paper), a Leatherman MultiTool (leather) and The American History Dictionary (ivory and gold - okay this was a big stretch, but the book cover IS ivory and gold colored and I knew he'd love it).

Sometimes it takes me months to figure out what to get my dearly beloved. Apparently the 15th is crystal or glass/watches. For a man that likes pint glasses and has never worn a watch in the 16 years I've known him. Hmmmmm, I feel another stretch coming on.

Feel free to pip in with suggestions!

Back from Pact Camp 2011

2011-07-25T17:13:00.000-07:00

We're back from another amazing year at Pact Camp. This makes year number 5!

Major props to the Pact staff for their continued drive to create this experience that changes our lives year after year. Beth Hall, Susan Ito and Deanna Matthews deserve gold medals for all they give and do to support our families. Here are my highlights for what their dedication brought to us this year.

The counselors were amazing. Every year Pact brings in young folks as counselors from all over the country, though mostly the Oakland area. Pact spends 2 days training them on race, adoption, behavior as an expression of struggling emotions, and how to handle most of whatever our kids might come out with while in their care. These young people come back year after year, their love and dedication for the campers shining through. Both of my children adore their counselors (some of whom they've worked with for 5 years now!!) and thrive under their care.

The adult programs were, as usual, superb. JaeRan Kim (blogger of Harlow's Monkey fame) and Mary Sheedy-Kurchinka (author of "Spirited Child," "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles, " and "Sleepless In America") both spoke as keynotes. JaeRan inspired me to think in the long term about our kids' journey and identity development in life. They are children for such a short time. We as parents we need to aim towards adulthood, equipping our kids with the skills and relationships they need once they leave our homes. JaeRan showed a beautiful combination of professional, expert presentation and authentic personal vulnerability. It is truly an honor to sit in the presence of someone so willing to share so deeply of herself for the good of my child. It stills makes me weepy to think of the depth of the gift she offered us.

Mary Sheedy-Kurchinka's talk focused on how to connect with our kids - calm, collect, collaborate. Almost everything she said came back to sleep - no-one in America seems to be getting enough sleep and being tired makes everything harder. I loved her overall messages, and I was blown away by her dynamic presentation style that was fun, entertaining and seemed to take into account reseach-driven principles about how people learn best.

Behind the scenes with our kids I know there were professionals prompting thoughts and conversations with our kids. While I didn't hear much back from kids about the conversations or their own thinking, I know the people working with my kids did a great job because of the enthusiasm both Theo and Rosie showed in sharing their art with me. Sessions were set up to communicate back to parents the work that was being done with the kids, however I missed or opted out of them. Because....

One of the draw backs, always, about camp is that there is too much wonderfulness going on for me to absorb it all. This year camp organizers created a multitude of small group sessions. Each afternoon I benefited from presentations and conversations while longing to duplicate myself so I could attend other sessions at the same time. I sat in on conversations about blended families (adopted and born to siblings), the racial achievement gap, "can kids of color thrive in a white environment?", and very sadly napped through two spoken pieces by adult adoptees that I deeply admire.

What really makes camp amazing is the people. Not just in their roles as presenter, therapist, adult adoptee, counselor or adoptive parent, but the people as their whole selves. The insight, sharing, pain, regret, struggles, victories and resources that so many people shared with me teach and inspire me how to be the person and parent my children need.

Set near Lake Tahoe, the logistics of camp were much easier for us this year than in the past. Real beds and fully insulated walls helped with sleeping. The food worked great for our family, hallelujah! The site was beautiful, easy to navigate and had a truly lovely swimming pool with an actually hot hot tub.

Finally, a giant bonus for my family, there was sunshine! With this very wet Seattle summer, we were all grateful to be warm and dry for a few days.

These 4 days at camp will bring lasting change to our lives again this year. While the changes we make for our family are no longer so abrupt and visible, the depth and honesty of the conversation allows space for each of us to grow and learn. It is an amazing experience.

I hope you will join us next year!

On Talking Terms with Dogs

2011-07-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

On his show, Cesar Milan often talks about reading dog's body language and off-handedly mentions various behaviors that he sees. The behaviors are so quick and subtle, I often have to stop the video and go back several times to really see it on the screen. Cesar is so confident about what he notices and what it means that I've been longing for a clear list of behaviors and their meanings.

Imagine, then, how thrilled I was to discover On Talking Terms with Dogs: Calming Signals by Turid Rugaas. While the book doesn't cover every doggie movement, the focus on calming signals is quite fascinating. With a list of about 15 calming signals, I've found the information useful for both communication with Mason and other dogs and for better understanding the state they are in. Each page includes lots of great pictures to illustrate each signal. The book is short, concise and easy to read. All the pictures makes for a super kid-friendly dog guide, too, as my kids are compelled to leaf through, enjoy and try to interpret every dog in each photo.

In the past few weeks, I've focused on a few signals, getting comfortable at recognizing them as dogs use them. I've also started adding them into my communication repertoire. Somehow even though I understand this is how dogs communicate with each other, I'm amazed at the success. Mason, a little low on exercise this week, was having a full-out puppy crazy session upstairs. He usually gets on all fours really low and then tears around at a berserk pace knocking people and things down as he goes. Normally getting him to stop and calm down takes a while (or a really big treat) and involves some personal risk. Instead, I turned sideways to him, yawned a few times and then as he watched me, I knelt down and scratched the carpet for a bit. He relaxed and sat down, calm for the moment. Pretty cool! Pretty easy! (I did take him down to the lake for a serious swim shortly afterwards.)

For fun, I'm going to do a quick run down of the signals - if you're interested in using them I highly recommended checking the book out as Rugaas' clear descriptions of the signals and what they mean are invaluable. Here are the major signals: head turning, softening the eyes, turning away, licking the nose, freezing, slow movements, play bow(!), sitting down, lying down, yawing, sniffing, curving approach, splitting up two animals and tail wagging.

Enjoy experimenting on a canine nearby and let me know what you learn!

Cesar Dreams

2011-07-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

Cesar Milan is coming to Seattle! You know, the Dog Whisperer. Whoooo hoooo!! He'll be here September 9th at the Paramount Theatre.

Knowing Cesar is coming sent me into a little frenzy of day dreams about what I'd do if I could be one of the lucky people who works with him in person. In the incredible event that Cesar and I were in the same space, I'd ask him to help me with my anxiety about having my perfectly friendly and well-behaved dog around other dogs.

Were I just to be able to ask him questions about how to handle issues, I have 3 that drive me crazy:
- how do I handle my dog's not appropriate to humans crotch-sniffing greeting?
- how do I get my tall 75 pound lab to stop stealing food off the counters?
- what do I do about territorial barking at the house windows and around the yard perimeter?

I was going to post....

2011-07-07T21:35:00.000-07:00

But my bedtime alarm went off. Yes, I really have an alarm set on my phone to remind me to go to bed.

As you can see from my post times, I usually blow it off. Sigh. However, I have a bonafide prescription from my doctor to go.to.bed. and get at least 8 hours of sleep. We all know I know this from the 23 previous posts I've done about sleep. Double sigh.

I have a follow up appointment with her in 2 weeks, so the shame factor is kicking in and I'll be going to bed at a reasonable hour for the next few weeks.

Other posts in the works, look forward to talking to you all tomorrow.

Random and Captured by Pirates

2011-07-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

Last night I woke myself up. I was dreaming that I'd been captured by pirates, and they were tickling me.

One of my new favorite bumper stickers: When Jesus said love your enemies I think he probably meant don't kill them. Of course I have mixed feelings about this and think these sorts of issues are not so black and white as that, but I still really like the sticker.

The new Girl Genius is out! Theo doesn't know, and I waiting for him to LEAVE so I can read my copy in peace. Then I'll tell him.

JJ, our UPS driver, is getting seriously stalked by our family right now. Theo ordered a custom Lego Hero Factory creation - it is on its way from Poland. I ordered a box of books from Sonlight that cover Ancient History and the "Far East." Both of us are beside ourselves with excitement.

We redid our yard - I'll post before and after pics someday. When the guy came for the final review and payment, he left me a flat of basil that didn't have a home! That's 18 plants, people!! Pesto party at my house in August!

Bald eagles have been soaring over our house everyday this week. Living in Seattle can be so darn cool.

Rosie has been creeping and crawling for 2 weeks now. I think I already see a difference in her emotional level - she still feels everything really strongly, but she seems able to moderate and handle it better.

It's a beautiful sunshiny day today. Let's hope it holds!

Personal Weirdness

2011-07-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling really off for a while now. Super tired, for one. I'm going in to get my thyroid and adrenals checked as I suspect there is a huge physical component to this.

But not just tired. Sort of dazed, confused, unable to focus on getting things done, just seeming to react to whatever most demands my attention next. Completely out of context with time - I can't seem to plan ahead, be aware of how long has past, what is coming next.

None of this is "normal" for me. I'm doing an okay job coping and working around whatever is going on, but I'm also searching for what is causing it and looking for the relief of resolution. It is really hard to live sort of on the outside of what is going on around me.

Anyone else every feel this way? Any ideas what could be prompting it or help resolve it?

Chemistry of Collecting

2011-06-29T18:34:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the way I read something that lead me to google something that linked me to youtube videos by Bryan Post. Post* bills himself as one of "America's Foremost Child Behavior Experts." While I seriously doubt this is the title I would give him, his work seems to focus on attachment and connections rather than on behavior modification, so I started listening to him. His videos intrigued me because they combine discussions on neurology and attachment - two of my favorite things.

The work horse of his method for being and expert with kids and their behavior is oxytocin, the hormone responsible for bonding sometimes dubbed the "love hormone." Through his videos I learned that the release of oxytocin that creates feelings of warmth and trust is a learned response. Not an automatic physical reaction, but a learned response. If you really think about this, it is a pretty mind-blowing fact. In actuality, we aren't born knowing how to love or being pre-programmed to do so. We have to learn how, from our mommies (or our primary care giver that fills the mothering role). Wow.

I know Holly van Gulden has illustrated this before in reenacting the interactions between baby and mama, showing how the baby feels and expresses mild stress, mama comes in to provide comfort and baby relaxes into her care. But somehow I never got that as parents we are building a neurology of love and connection right into our kids' brains. Good thing the brain is plastic and we can form new neurological pathways at any age - I'm sure many of us humans don't get the positively patterned oxytocin response we need in our first 6 months.

My guess is that part of what makes Neufeld's collecting so successful in the moment and in the long term comes from stimulating the oxytocin response. I've been reading one of Post's sources on the oxytocin response, The Chemistry of Connection by Kuchinskas and the smile and nod of Neufeld's collecting technique come to mind in so many of the oxytocin positive scenarios Kuchinskas sites.

This means, each time I take the needed 3 minutes to get my child's smile and nod, I'm stimulating a dump of warmth, trust, and reward hormones that help my child feel good about themselves and me (oh, and I get a shot of happy hormones, too). Thus they physically are more inclined to do my bidding, and I'm physically more inclined to be nurturing in supporting them. At the same time, I'm creating for them a habit of feeling good, happy and cooperative. The more I do it, the better it gets as the pathways become more refined until the child's oxytocin response becomes automatic, like riding a bike.

Seems like a good idea. Next, I need figure out how to remember in the heat of the moment to aim for those smile and nods and actually figure out how to get them.

*********************************

* Post has obviously read a lot of books on attachment and child development, think pretty clearly about the subject and have quite a bit of experience in the area, so I found much of his information familiar with some exciting new bits. I feel compelled to disclose that in doing a google search for him, I found at least one issue that causes me a little concern about his personal integrity or at least discretion (having to do with challenges to his title of "dr"). It didn't discredit his thinking for me, but if you plan to put much energy into looking at his videos or programs, you might consider looking into this for yourself.

Collecting about Collecting

2011-06-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

One of the key concepts from Neufeld's work is the idea of collecting children. Not as in acquiring a large houseful of them, which I am also enthusiastic about, but gathering their attention and goodwill.

Collecting my children is something I'm confident I don't do often enough or well enough, and I see the negative results of this everyday. I've made it my goal to learn everything I can about collecting over the summer. Maybe I'll become the world expert on it someday. I'm going to try to gather some of what I know and my thoughts about collecting here on my blog as I go along.

Here is my take on why we collect our children based on the Neufeld material. I'm pretty sure I'm missing some key components, but here is my initial understanding:

Humans are creatures of attachment, and nobody wants to do anything for someone they're not attached to (sort of a built in safety valve to prevent coercion). When we are given direction or instruction by someone we don't perceive as connected to us, we're likely to feel manipuated, resist and exhibit what Neufeld calls counterwill - either not doing or even doing the opposite of what is requested.

Secondly, if children aren't focused on us, they aren't focused on us. Especially when children are young and do not have mixed feelings (the brain develops the capacity for mixed feelings somewhere between 5-9 years old), they are unable to focus on more than one thing at time. From van Gulden, the more important something is the harder it will be for any of us to focus on two things at once - try talking to my husband when he's concentrating on an interesting book. Its not that he's ignoring me but that his brain is so focused on the story coming from his eyes that it isn't relaying the information coming from his ears. And he's in his 40s, so consider the implications of trying to talk to a 10 year old reading an exciting comic book. All this to say if we haven't collected our children's attention, they aren't focused on us and we'll get no further. Period.

Collecting a la Neufeld includes, at its core, the idea of warmth. I can get my children's attention by coming into the room like thunder and demanding their attention, but I'm not likely to garner any goodwill (or cooperation) in the process. When I come in and gather their attention in a friendly way, I increase our connection, demonstrate caring and increase the likelihood of cooperation.

How to collect-
(Neufeld actually does a lovely version of this on some of the videos which is the best way to get a sense of it, but here it is from my notes.)
- Get into their face in a friendly way, try to get their eyes (but don't ask or tell them to look at you). With older kids we need to intercept their attention by sharing in what they are attending to.
- Get a smile - say something pleasant or funny. If no smile, then no connection, yet.
- Get a nod, agreement to something you say.
Don't proceed further until you have both the smile and the nod.

Neufeld's advice is to always collect before we direct - have our children's attention and hearts before we ask them to do something for us. The times I do remember to get friendly with kids, find the smiles and the nods, things go much more smoothly. Yes, it takes longer on the front end but I'm sure at the end of the day it is a big time and goodwill saver.

Interestingly, it isn't just children we collect - we all collect people every day. In speaking more generally, Neufeld calls it the human courting instinct. I've also seen it referred to as the dance of attachment several places. I notice people do this all the time at the bank, the grocery store, the quick hellos on the phone before a logistical conversation. Sometimes I think of it as social flirting, not really sexual or just heterosexually aimed, but a way to endear ourselves to the people we need before we make our requests of them.

May Paleo Update

2011-06-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

Remember how I declared May Paleo month?

Half way through June, we're kind of there. I'm 98% off grains and sugar. I'm great for getting my proteins in. I've started using coconut milk to substituted for lots of dairy, but I couldn't quite bring myself to let go of dairy. I'm still occasionally using potatoes as an emergency alternative when faced with a restaurant full of grains, but at home I've substituted in parsnips, turnips, sweet potatoes.

Veggie consumption increased significantly for most of us (certain 10 year old boys are the exception but I expected that). Everyone has been trying new foods and Theo in particular is really opening to the idea of trying new things, being actually willing to consider let his taste buds decide about a food.

Results so far? My inflammation is way down, hay fever is totally manageable though not completely gone (thank the dairy, I figure) . I feel less bloated after I eat, my hungry shaking and mood swings are gone. I've lost 12 pounds.

The kids aren't quite as clean - in order to keep the alarm and resistance down, I've not forbidden anything. So no grains or sugar at home, but when we're out they do eat some. The trick then is to be prepared such that we don't need to eat out. That has gone better some weeks than others.

Potatoes and dairy still have to go. I plan to wait until after our trip to family camp at the end of July to remove them as I'm guessing there will be at least a few cafeteria meals where they will be my only options. At some point late in the summer, I am going to put the nix on grains and sugar for the kids.

All in all, I declare Paleo Month a success in the first step towards returning to our healthy lifestyle.

Summer Mystery Revealed

2011-06-25T14:54:00.000-07:00

The other day I posted a picture of our improved garage to see if you clever people could guess what my plans were for our summer.

The kids (and I) will spend time most days creeping and crawling, like puppies or alligators. We do this in the name of neurological growth. Rosie's really needing help with her neurological development to support her vision, hearing, emotional development and movement coordination. Theo, as any of us, can always use a little brush up on his organization.

Years ago this was how we spent our days, working with Theo to resolve some rather large neurological issues. Working shortly with the Institutes for the Advancement of Human Potential (yes, how posy is the name, but really pretty true to their mission) and then with the delightful team at the Family Hope Center, my goal was to set Theo up to thrive in his life rather than just teach him to cope with the challenges he might face. Every 6-9 months we flew to Philadelphia, had Theo re-evaluated and came home to execute our newly tweaked programs.

By the time Theo was 7, I felt really good about where he was at. With a huge sense of relief and freedom, we stopped doing programs and moved into really focusing on homeschooling and connecting with our new homeschool community.

Rosie trailed along with all we had done over the years. She spent her first week visiting FHC at 9 months and at 18 months announced in the bathrooms there, "No more diaper, Mommy, no more diaper" that marked the decisive moment of her potty training. Over the years, she tottled around the offices getting out toys and chatting up people as if she owned the place. Starting from the first moments we held her, Bill and I sincerely and carefully applied all we had learned at IAHP's Better Baby classes to help create an environment of optimum neurological growth for her. She spent time on the floor with Theo and I each day as we ticked off miles of creeping and crawling. So I have always assumed she'd be neurologically clean. But she is her own person with her own needs and challenges. While I did have Rosie evaluated when she was 4 by my friend Donna Bateman (now Parents With Purpose), who trained with FHC, I only put a half hearted effort into working on the few niggly things that showed up on the evaluation.

Now, at 7, I'm seeing that her neurologial organization is holding her back. I had Donna look at her again in February, and it was clear to both of us that Rosie needed extra help. Honestly, though, I've been super reluctant. Working with Theo was 5 years of serious focus, maybe harder than anything else I've ever done. I want to have washed my hands of that phase of our lives. But, my girl needs me and what I know and can do for her. A few weeks ago I finally faced the truth that full-on programs is what she needs, and it is time to get serious.

And you know it is serious when we clear out the garage and lay down the mats.

There is a silver lining in the clouds of miles of floor time (besides a healthy, thriving child as if that's not enough). Working with Theo over the years developed a deep bond of commitment, caring, fun and companionship that will forever inform who he is, how he is the world and who we are to each other. I look forward to sharing that with them both, especially getting to put that level of focus on Rosie over the next few years.

The mats are down. Feel free to come join us for some creeping and crawling, we'll be there.

Current Mega Millions Jackpot

2011-06-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

$76 million. That's a lot quarters.

The crazy thing is, someone will win it. Or more next week if there isn't a matching number this week. I just love that we live in a world with such wild possibility!

I even bought a ticket on the way home tonight. Crazy!

Restarting CrossFit

2011-06-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

The healthiest I've ever been - in the best shape, had the most energy, felt the most strong and positive about my body, had zero hay fever, zero menstrual cramps, zero headaches or jaw aches - came after I'd started doing CrossFit workouts.

The crazy hormones stopped all intense workouts immediately. It has been 3 years since I felt really good in my body.

Today, the kids and I started working with a trainer at CrossFit 206 who is certified in adult CrossFit training and CrossFit Kids. I almost fell out of my chair with excitement when I discovered her. Having the 3 of us playing workout together covers all sorts of bases: I get my workout, the kids get some serious PE, Theo is working towards his goal of improved soccer skills, there is no need for childcare and we get to have a great time together.

We did bear crawls, hopping, duck walks, push ups, squats, rolls, and other fun and intense things. It is the first time I've sweated from using my body in 3 years, and I didn't have to go straight home to a puking migraine.

Exciting stuff. I'm thrilled to see what sort of results we've gotten at the end of the summer.

Comments Not Working?

2011-06-22T16:54:00.000-07:00

I've gotten several emails from y'all saying the comments aren't working on my blog. Blogger says it is a known issues and they're "working on it."

I wonder what that means. Hopefully comments will be back up soon. In the meantime, I love your emails. Keep sending them.

Summer Mystery

2011-06-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

Here's the foundation for our summer plans.

Bet you can't guess what I have planned.....

One Small Step

2011-06-15T07:10:00.000-07:00

After writing yesterday about how nothing seemed to be working in our homeschooling and writing out everything that was not working, I did manage to make one small step forward.

Something I remembered doing during the late great homeschool phase that kept the kids moving along at their work and ease them past the resistance of whatever scary story they had about the task before them, something really simple. So I put it into action with Theo, moments after pushing the "publish" button on my post. I sat next to him and his 50 words of copy work, put my arm around his shoulder and said, "I know this seems hard. I know you don't want to do it. And I know you can do it, I trust in you." 10 minutes later it was done.

Not 10 minutes of me nagging and bitching and lecturing, but 10 minutes of sitting with my arm around his shoulder, drinking my tea and breathing deeply. At least the first 7 minutes were me faking that I was full of loving, supportive thoughts and was just so glad to be there with and for him. Honestly, it would have been much easier for me, in the grumpy, piss-y, victim-y place where I was living in my mind, to piss and moan and blame him for everything. Amazingly I remembered to put on my big girl panties and be the Big Mama. The last 3 minutes were pretty nice for me.

A few repeats of the warm, supportive connection and lo and behold, he had all his work done by noon. I celebrated by logging him onto his favorite computer game and going to take a nap.

Note to self (for the millionth time in the past 10 years of parenting): when things aren't working with my children we don't have a behavior problem, we have a relationship problem (thanks to Neufeld for the summarization of the situation). The more I lean into the connection and get closer to my kids, the better any situation will go.

Off the Wagon

2011-06-14T11:29:00.000-07:00

Homeschool these past few weeks sucks.

The kids whine and fuss and cry and refuse to do their work. When I finally get them pointed in the right direction they stall or get so completely distracted they don't even remember their own names.

ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Two months ago, everything flowed easily. They both got all their work down quickly and easily everyday. We laughed and hugged and enjoyed easy afternoons together.

I know this is normal, the ups and downs of most everyone's homeschool experiences, but it still drives me crazy. In the moments things are working, I think I should write this down and share what I think is making things groove so well. Then I convince myself I would sound like a pompous braggart, so I don't. I hate those blog where homeschoolers present a family experience that works for everyone all the time mostly because I think they are hiding the whole truth. And I know how many struggling homeschool mamas take them as evidence that they suck at this, not that homeschooling with its highs of connection, amazing education, freedom and necessary social coaching also suffers related lows.

Maybe I'll start with a post about what isn't working, and then someday when things are working again (deep breath), I'll allow myself to post about what helps our homeschool day go smoothly.

Here's what isn't working:
- everyone is perpetually hungry
- everyone claims to be perpetually tired
- I'm trying to alternate working with both kids in very close proximity and neither of them is listening to me
- the dog had oral surgery last week and Rosie has been pretty darn freaky since then
- Theo has decided he's just rather stall on doing his work until Sunday when we only require morning routine and one chore before he can play on the computer and read comic books
- the days of nice weather lure us outside and then the return to inside work is super painful
- I'm enticed by a million other things I'd like be doing and feel super resentful that my kids are drawing 2.5 hours worth of work into a full 8 hour ordeal
- I keep pointing out that my kids wouldn't be acting so poorly if they were at school right now
- Internally, I'm wondering if we won't really be better off if they WERE in school right now, even though I know to my toes that this isn't true for either of them
- I've been clearing out all our baby stuff I saved for the theoretical additional children we've decided not to adopt, and I've been pretty sad
- Rosie is what I would call super emergent right now - she is full of ideas and doesn't want to do anything anyone else tells her to do (read she screams at the hint of any assigned work, sigh)

- Theo resents doing all his work when Rosie isn't doing anything

Summer will be upon us soon - we just have this week's school work to finish and they I will more us to our short schedule (morning routine, chores, clean up, guitar, Theo does writing and Rosie does reading). That all takes about an hour a day, so hopefully we'll get a break from all this frustration before I try to figure out how I want to make our fall work.

Finding Time

2011-06-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

I'm suffering serious spring fever today. Kids' classes are wrapping up, the weather is SUPER nice for June in Seattle, I have little veggie sprouts growing in actual planter beds and the kids have been hunting bugs like there is no tomorrow.

As a homeschool family, we accomplished bunches this year. Kids learned, I learned and we mostly had fun doing it. And. I find I'm wanting more room for me.

Everyday I think about all the things I'd like to post on this blog - I love to write, I get so much out of needing to clarify my thoughts on a given subject and I so much enjoy sharing what I'm learning with others.

Deeper explorations into Neufeld material are calling me, and I'd like the time to study it more next year without having to sneak in 30 minutes here and there.

My life brims over with lovely people with whom I long to have long talks over several cups of tea. Plus, every afternoon presents a new opportunity to take a nap. I hate to miss out on a good nap.

All this to say I'm playing with the idea of doing homeschool very differently next year - not unschooling, that's too far outside my comfort zone and desires for our kids. But something that creates more flow, that allows/requires the kids and I to sit next to each other and do our own "work" whatever that is.

Just an experiment - maybe from September to December - just to see what unfolds. Serious mixed feelings means I'm super excited about the idea and completely terrified at the same time. Part of my concerns stem from never having seen "this" done before (not really quite knowing what "this" is makes it all more worrisome) - I know what total unschooling looks like, I know what very structured lesson time looks like. It's the in between that escapes me.

I can imagine in a few years this could work easily. When Rosie is reading easily and is fired up about all those workbooks she's always fingering, also sporting a little more prefrontal cortex. Already, Theo already can probably pull off working fairly independently next to me most days. Somehow managing and supporting the two of them, and standing between the bickering, seems to take up most of my time. I know they will mature with time and at some point my fantasy day will be probably be an easy reality. The problem is that I don't want to wait a couple of years - I want it now.

Let me know if you have any bright ideas. In the meantime, I'll be noodling over various ideas as I fuss over the new cucumber starts outside.

Deviled Yuck

2011-05-24T10:33:00.000-07:00

For snack today, I made some truly horrible deviled eggs.

Part of the problem came from under cooking the duck eggs. Theo and I are allergic to chicken eggs, so we use duck. However, the duck eggs are much bigger and take longer to cook. Out of fear of over cooking them, I continually fail to cook them enough. So the yolks ran out of the centers where I sliced them. This made for gooey texture in our filling.

The other problem, though, comes from the recipe. I'm using one from an old Joy of Cooking, but I don't think I've ever liked it.

Anyone have a beloved deviled egg recipe they'd like to share and save us from continued nasty snacks?

Again With The Pans

2011-05-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

We still haven't changed our cookware. I'm back on-line trying to determine the safety of hard-anondized aluminum. And of course, on the internet one can find a million sites to support both sides of a question. One study says there is no leaching, another says HAA leaches about 7mg per ltr of liquid cooked.

And then there are whole conversations about whether or not it matters, that the correlation between Alzheimer's and aluminum has not been proven or supported by further research.

Out of sheer frustration, I may just end up with a kitchen full of cast-iron!

May is Paleo Month

2011-05-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

After years of weird food choices driven by weird hormones, I'm desperate to return to habits of old. Habits that really worked for my body - giving me lots of energy, eliminating seasonal allergies, inflammation all over my skeletal system and menstrual cramps, and slimming me down to a trim and easily buffed state. Habits that worked for our ancient forerunners

Thus I've declared the month of May to be Paleo Month in the Barnacle household. And by declared I mean I closed the door to the office and elicited Bill's cooperation, and the proceeded to eliminate food from the pantry, pull out beloved yet dusty recipes, borrow several cookbooks from the library and almost completely change the food I present at the table at meals, all without saying a word about it to the kids.

You may be asking yourself what Paleo is. The long name is the Paleolithic Diet, a lifestyle modeled after our Paleolithic ancestors. They were the folks who lived 2.5 million years ago to about 10,000 years ago with the advent of agriculture. Basically, we're going back to eating meat, veggies and fruit. Fortunately we get to add in cooking and spices, healthy oils and some coconut milk and a few nuts for fun. As a lifestyle, this also includes getting plenty of sleep and a varied and a short but intense exercise regime.

I started us out May 1st, and promptly got a migraine that left me eating saltines and feeding the family pizza from the place around the corner. Dang.

Still, we're now on day 6 and I'm noticing a huge difference in how my body feels and the children's behavior. I feel lighter, less sluggish and my jeans were a bit easier to put on today. The kids seems to be evening out emotionally some, and they aren't begging for snacks every 20 minutes.

Why didn't I update the kids? In my experience there is *nothing* like an announcement that food will be changing to elicit tons of anxiety and defiance about mealtime in my short people. Where as, if I don't mention it and tell and interesting story or joke as I bring food to the table, they fail to notice (or at least complain) about the lack of bread, pasta, cow dairy or dessert at the table.

In returning to healthy habits, I really, really didn't want to read through the 640 pages of Gary Taubes' Good Calories, Bad Calories to re-inspire myself. Fortunately, my hold for Robb Wolf's Paleo Solution came through in late-April (after about 9 months of waiting!). His book is full of good information, encouragement, meal plans, recipes and CrossFit workouts. He offers a challenge to try Paleo for 30 days and then decide where to go from there. I always love a good challenge, and it fits my longer-term plan with the family, so I'm in. Thus the May thing.

At the same time, I borrowed one of Mark Bittman's books, Kitchen Express. While in no way meant to be Paleo or low carb, lots of the recipes are or can easily to adjusted to work. And his recipes taste like they were created by a foodie who loves good flavor, along with being fast.

Finally, one of Wolf's associates, Sarah Fragoso, just came out with her own cookbook, Everyday Paleo. As the mother of 3 kids, she gets the challenges of feeding a family against the grain of the standard American diet (hahahaha did you get the pun?). Again another book with lots of warm, practical advice, meal plans and recipes.

Wolf and Fragoso both keep helpful and inspiring blogs - I've put them on my Google reader and find it helpful to check in every few days to keep me focused.

I'm fascinated to see how May goes and what my body (and the rest of my family's) is like at the end of 30 days. I'll keep you posted.

How about the rest of you? What "lifestyle" do you choose? Any you don't follow but *know* work great for your body? Any other crossfitters out there? How do you get back on the health wagon when you've fallen off for a long stretch?

Putting It All Together: Adoption, Race and Family

2011-05-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

Pact Camp 2011 is coming!!! I'm really excited (witness the number of exclamation points). The line up of speakers is phenomenal: Mary Sheedy Kurcinka! Jae Ran Kim! Holly van Gulden! These are the rock stars of my world.

I hope you'll join us - as I always say, Pact Camp changes our family's life every year. I'm so looking forward to what we learn and become this year.

Register here! Now! You won't regret it.

Book Request: Warmth of Other Suns

2011-05-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

Warmth of Other Suns comes highly recommended to me recently by someone I respect. So I've put it on hold at our public library. Here is the message I got:

Hold requested on The Warmth of Other Suns. You are number 306 in line.

I hope the library considers getting second copy soon. I could die of old age by the time my turn comes around!

My Husband Went to Texas

2011-04-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

....and all he brought me was this stupid cold.

Yuck. Bill got back from a business trip last Friday and I promptly fell to whatever nasty virus he carried home. I tried to stick it out Saturday and Sunday, but Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were couch days. Rosie joined me in my misery and together we watched PBS Nova videos and Cesar Milan episodes on Hulu between nose blowing, cough drops and cups of soothing teas.

Theo attended soccer camp for the first three days of the week, but he came home yesterday sneezing and blowing, a sure sign that his system is overcome.

Currently I'm at that awkward stage where nothing sounds good but I'm starving, my body aches for serious exercise from the stiffness of lying on the couch for 3 days (and 2 nights) but the 15 foot walk to the kitchen requires a 10 minute nap.

I spend 20 minutes trolling the web for more ideas of how to beat this virus. Nothing I haven't thought of. Here's my personal list:
- lots of ginger/lemon/honey tea
- lots of throat coat tea
- chicken broth soup (oddly the homemade bone broth made me retch, so I'm onto Pacific Natural Food broth)
- naps
- zinc
- herbal remedies for cold/flu and echinacea plus from Dr. Schultz
- tom kha gai soup from the local Thai restaurant
- baths with both epsom salts and sea salts

I suspect it will be a few days before I'm back to par. Fortunately until then, PBS just posted a new series with Professor Henry Gates, Black In Latin America.

I Can't Be Racist

2011-04-15T21:10:00.001-07:00

Here's a fascinating post by JaeRan Kim about how people (I'm figuring really it is mostly white people) justify that they can't be prejudiced because they have a _______ friend.

It reminds me of my post a while back struggling with the word "friend." And it brings to mind the challenge at Pact Camp every year - as white parents of children of color, who are we *really* friends with - who do we share dinner with, who do we worship with, who do we spend our leisure time with.

I really like JaeRan's point that we all grew up with and still carry prejudice. What is important is what we choose to do about it.

We have our biases and our prejudices – the point is, when do we decide we are going to be responsible for what we say, and take ownership when what we say is based on stereotype and assumption? What do we do? Say, “I’m sorry you were offended” (which always blames the victim). Or do we say, “wow, I didn’t realize that what I said was offensive” and then take active steps to learn from that experience?

Taking stock of the reality of our relationships can be very challenging. But really, isn't it worth it to look around and see who we're really telling ourselves and our children is worthy of our time, attention and love?

Old Prejudice

2011-04-14T07:51:00.000-07:00

image from Gap.com

can't find an attributable source for this

Earlier in the month, I posted about my frustrations with my jeans wearing too thin too quickly. I blamed it on my extra weight, but in the comments section someone suggested it was the Gap brand quality and that I should try Levis.

Normally, I consider suggestions like that pretty seriously. But without a second thought, I marched off to the Gap and bought 2 pairs of jeans. I didn't consider looking at Levis, I didn't even try to figure out where there might be some I could try on.

This morning the reason why dawned on me. Cowboys wear Levis, people from town don't.

Wow, is that an old and very random prejudice rattling around inside my brain that I had NO idea was there. One along the lines of town people are much more sophisticated than kids from ranches, and sophisticated is of course, better. Shocking to me because both sides of my family are/were cowboys. My mom still wears Levis (she also did barrel racing). Assumably, being a town girl, I picked the idea up in high school where kids divided themselves into cliques and established odd rules to protect the order: cowboys, jocks, stoners, band/orchestra people, choir kids, activists.

Somehow to me, Levis became a marker of second class membership. Not like I was a model of sophstication or high social standing. I was in the band, for pete's sake. Reminds me of the star bellied sneeches. Maybe I'll go buy some Levis this week and clean some of the cobwebs out of the hinter regions of my brain.

*********************

The barrel racing clip is actually really great. If you didn't click on it, you really ought to go back and look at it.

I Guess This Is For Real

2011-04-11T17:24:00.000-07:00

Pulled out all the baby clothes for giving away on Friday. Inventoried and offered to sell all my supplemental nursing gear and domperidone. I cried buckets of tears.

It looks like we're really moving onto the next stage of our lives. The one without babies. I'm sure I'll be okay with it, but right now I'm sure feeling sad.

Weight is Expensive

2011-04-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

I'm about to order some jeans and several pairs of pants from Gap.com. Again.

When committing to take domperidone to induce lactation, I knew one of the associated side effects would be weight gain because I've seen it in myself and every other woman I know who used domperidone for a long time period. I anticipated the socially trained self-dislike that would come along with the extra padding and have spent plenty of time over the past 2.5 years channelling that energy into plenty of positive affirmations about being lovable at any weight and appreciation for my body's amazing ability to make milk to grow a baby.

What I had not anticipated, and find myself constantly frustrated by, is how expensive carrying extra weight around is. Right now I'm totally fixated on how my weight dictates that I need to buy new pants every 3 months. At my usual weight, I can wear a pair of jeans for 2 or 3 years because they're so durable. But add 50 pounds, maybe all to my thighs and derriere, and the amount of rubbing on the inner seams that comes from a day's activities means a trip to the Gap every 3 months because I've sprung another leak.

Maybe the only thing worse than yet again shelling out my husband's hard earned cash for more pants is walking through the day with the cubby bunnies that currently live on my thighs squeezing their way through the growing holes in my pants.

So I'm off to order more pants from Gap.com, looking forward to the day the hormones have washed out of my body and I find my way back to my own, regular weight.

Cute Math Interpretations

2011-04-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

Homeschooling works in part for me because I so completely cherish being the one who receives my children's literal thinking.

Theo's doing math this morning. Here's the question:
A pumpkin weights 8 lbs.
An apple weighs 4 oz.
What is the difference in their weight?

His answer: one is measured in pounds, the other in ounces.

Tee hee. Smart, right, and not what the writers of the book were looking for at all.

Electrical Shame

2011-03-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

Our electric company seems to have come up with a new way to "help" us save electricity: shame.

Every couple of months, we receive a letter in the mail full of charts and graphs and little boxes quoting specific facts. The charts rank our energy usage in comparison to our closest 100 neighbors.

Now, the information itself turns out to be interesting but flawed. Our household ranks 64th of 100 and over 2 months we use about 1000 kWh more energy than similar sized houses in our area. However, most of the houses for blocks around don't hold as many people as ours does. I'd say of the 30 houses closest to us, maybe 5 have a family of 4 people in them. The rest are 3 and mostly 2 or 1. We often have 5 or 6 people in the house.

Secondly, of all those 30 houses almost everyone works outside their home. They leave around 7am and return around 6pm. With a home-based business and homeschooling, we often have 5 of us here most of the day with the lights on, running computers, printers and various other electric appliances.

A better measure of our ranking of use of energy would be a number based on the amount used per person per hour. Of course that would be incredibly complex for the power company to come up with, so they resort to a quick number and quick comparison.

All of this to say that the "home energy report" from the electric company lacks the details needed to be truly accurate or actually very useful. But it is filled with insecurity-inducing language and charts. "Efficient Neighbors (in cheerful green), All Neighbors (calm blue), YOU (dark grey)." "Your Rank Last Month #64. You rank is improving. Great job!" "You used 3% MORE electricity that your neighbors."

Somehow it reminds me of a grandmother, "Lily called me to say her granddaughter just quit her job as medical director of the hospital and is moving to Haiti to help support the earthquake victims. Isn't she a nice girl?" Nothing every really says YOU are wrong or has a problem, yet somehow there is a distinct sense of not measuring up.

Freedictionary.com offers this definition for shame:
shame (shm)

a. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.

b. Capacity for such a feeling: Have you no shame?

2. One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.

3. A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy.

4. A great disappointment

Now that I've rambled on for 6 paragraphs about this, I'm not sure where to go with it. The letter, and the idea that the electric company is spending plenty of time and money sending it out, entertains and fascinates me.
- Isn't it odd that the company that makes their money by selling us electricity is trying to shame us into using less?
- Upon whom is the shame of my family's electrical usage supposed to fall? Do we bring dishonor, disgrace and condemnation upon our family? The neighborhood? The electric company itself?
- What do I actually care how much electricity I use in comparison to my neighbors if I know my family is using the electricity we need without crazy amounts of waste?
- What value is there for us the consumers in the shame mail? Why not use the gas company's tactic of showing my usage over time so I can detect patterns or notice if there is a sudden rise in my bill.
- Who came up with this idea? Did they really perceive it as a shame campaign? It would be truly fascinating to sit in a room with the people who devised this plan and understand what their thinking was. Did they get a bonus for it in their performance review this year?

How about you? How does your electric company feels about your electrical performance this month?

Go Team Barnacle!!!

2011-03-25T17:09:00.000-07:00

Our taxes are complete today! It isn't even April yet.

This is akin to a miracle considering that several years in a row we finished our taxes in the fall.

Yay us!

Imagine My Surprise

2011-03-11T07:15:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I finally picked up a novel given by a friend years ago, The Go-Between by LP Hartley. The book rather mysteriously unfolds as the author sorts through boxes of old memorabilia. We learn *something* happened when he was a boy that has determined the course of his life, without yet an inkling of what the event was.

Here's what he says on page 16 as his memories of the event slowly unfold:

Should I have acquitted myself better, with the knowledge I had now? I doubted it; knowledge may be power, but it is not resilience, or resourcefulness, or adaptability to life, still less is it instinctive sympathy with human nature; and those were qualities I possessed in 1900 in far greater measure than I possess them in 1952.

I was thrilled and excited to see Neufeld's very vocabulary about the power of grieving the disappointments and losses of life in this sentence, written in 1953.

How to be an Ally

2011-03-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

One of the things I hear/read regularly in both the adoption related world and the race related world is that as parents and people of privilege, we need to act as allies. Which sounds really great. Except I've never deeply understood what that means or how to go about becoming an ally (which doesn't stop me from trying - as random and misguided as I maybe).

This week I came across an article forwarded by someone on the Coalition of Anti-Racist Whites (CARW) list serve. The article, entitled Interrupting the Cycle of Oppression: the Role of Allies as Agents of Change, contains the definitions and explanations I crave to better understand what being an ally means and some steps I can take to get to the point where I would actually start to believe I lived my life as an ally to my family and friends instead of just another well-meaning white/straight/non-adopted/able/middle class person.

I hope you'll read it and join me in working to become agents of change. Post in the comments, I'd love to hear what you've learned or enjoyed about the article.

In addition to grooving on the content, the writing style pleases me. The author engaged me immediately and continued to make the topic approachable, enjoyable and interesting. Here's the first bit of it:

The Role of Allies as Agents of Change

The Rev. Dr. Andrea Ayvazian

Many of us feel overwhelmed when we consider the many forms of systemic oppression that are so pervasive in American society today. We become immobilized, uncertain about what actions we can take to interrupt the cycles of oppression and violence that intrude on our everyday lives. One way to overcome this sense of immobilization is to assume the role of an ally. Learning about this role-one that each and every one of us is capable of assuming- can offer us new ways of behaving and a new source of hope.

Through the years, experience has taught us that isolated and episodic actions - even dramatic, media-grabbing events - rarely produce more than a temporary blip on the screen. What does seem to create real and lasting change is highly-motivated individuals- usually only a handful at first- who are so clear and consistent on an issue that they serve as a heartbeat in a community, steadily sending out waves that touch and change those in their path. These change agents or allies have such a powerful impact because their actions embody the values they profess: their behavior and beliefs are congruent.

read the rest of the article here: Interrupting the Cycle of Oppression: the Role of Allies as Agents of Change

From a Past Life

2011-02-28T21:02:00.000-08:00

Or at least part of my life that seems long, long past.

In my final year of college, where I majored in French Language and Literature, I developed a penchant for medieval French literature. Yeah, talk about obscure professional training.

This evening, 20 years later, Theo came down raving about an advance review copy of a graphic novel he's reading called The Song of Roland. Smoke coming from my ears, the wheels slowly churning, I dug up archaic neural pathways to remember that The Song of Roland, or for we French speakers La Chanson de Roland, is one of the earliest works of French literature. I remember war, dying and love, nothing more specific.

Thank heavens for wikipedia where you, too can now explore the high points of ancient French literature. Here's The Song of Roland for you, and my favorite, The Book of The City of Ladies. Christine de Pizan took a first stab at feminism way back in 1405, in a story that fascinated me for many, many years.

Old dear friends, long passed by. I hope you enjoy getting acquainted with them.

The Fun Theory

2011-02-22T17:09:00.000-08:00

Will people really do more things that are harder if they're having fun while doing it?

I sure hope so because making work fun turns out to be one of the driving factors in getting our school work done around here. Math seems hard? Change the story problem from Miss F cutting pillow cases to ninjas eliminating the enemy. Copy work too boring to survive? Find a thrilling passage from Harry Potter. Practicing new spelling words while sword fighting with mom, you get to take a stab for each letter.

Seems some people in Sweden actually study how fun affects people's behavior. Check it out!

Little Housekeeper

2011-02-20T07:48:00.000-08:00

Looking through my iPhoto, I came across this picture of Rosie from a couple of years ago.

The idea of the desolate housewife, weighed down by child raising and house maintenance is so palatable, I laugh almost to tears every time I come across this photo.

Warmth

2011-02-19T08:47:00.000-08:00

In one of the Neufeld videos (the ones on attachment) that I've been watching recently, Dr. Neufeld lists 4 elements we need to be effective parents: insight, patience, warmth and a very good lead.

Warmth challenges me. I'm not sure I always know what it looks like or how to have/share it with others. Neufeld talks about relational warmth being like the feeling of the sun shining upon us, causing us to want to cast off our capes of emotional protection to soak it in.

Being in a throng of families at the Great Wolf Lodge provided me with ample opportunity to look for warmth. What I noticed seems sad to me - in all these people, come to this place with their families for time away from the buzz of normal life to play together, I saw very little that looked like warmth to me.

Sometimes NOT seeing something is as helpful at identifying as seeing shining examples of it. I witnessed little hand-holding, back rubbing, arms around a shoulder, lap sitting, prolonged eye-contact or even just loving smiles. This austerity of connection is so not what I want for my family and relationships. What would it cost me to glow a little love towards those close to me once an hour? What difference would this tiny, easy, heart-felt kindness affect on the overall tone of our day and home?

Great Wolf Lodge

2011-02-17T22:11:00.000-08:00

As a family we spent 24 hours this week at the Great Wolf Lodge, an indoor water park - hotel - entertainment whirlwind. The lodge, rather oddly, is just south of Olympia (that'd be our state capital which is a pretty small town without much beside political entertainment as a draw), about a 90 minute drive from our house.

We spent 4 hours Wednesday afternoon and 3 Thursday morning sliding, splashing, moving with the waves, squirting and dumping. How very refreshing to spend a whole day playing, laughing and being together. Also, I like 84 degree weather in February. Warm enough to hang out in a wet swimsuit and feel good felt like heaven to me.

Re-entry into our regular full Thursday afternoons of guitar lessons and choir was turbulent. We all wished to enjoy our faux Hawaii/Disney-esque break for a few more days.

Lotto: Play to Win

2011-02-15T21:19:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite crazy indulgences comes in the form of a Washington State lotto ticket. Usually I prefer Mega Millions. I mean, who can resist the ring of such lovely alliteration? It is only a buck, after all.

The kids and I spend many car rides dreaming what we could do with $12-120 million - there's a billboard with the current jackpot numbers near us that usually starts the conversation. First, we take into account taxes, forking over about 50% of our winnings to Uncle Sam. Theo usually plans giant Lego acquisitions. Rosie fills our home with dogs, cats and related paraphernalia. I focus on the perfect house, lots of travel and a closet full of shoes.

Not that I buy tickets often. Maybe one every few months. And never more than one at a time - I figure if my luck is up, than it is up and I only need to get the one set of matching numbers to win. Buying two would communicate my lack of trust in the great lotto gods.

For me, the most entertaining part about buying lotto tickets has to do with the odds. Turns out, chances of winning the Mega Millions jackpot are 1:175,711,536. This means buying a ticket only slightly increases my odds of taking that jackpot to the bank.

Morning Delight: Merganser

2011-02-14T07:38:00.000-08:00

Usually I start my day out with a walk. Good for by body, good for the dog, good for allowing Bill and the kids to connect with each other.

For the past many months the 6am darkness keeps me in the neighborhood streets where the lights offer a sense of protection. But in the past few weeks, the first rays of sunlight allow me to turn back down to walk the path along Lake Washington.

The beauty of the lake changes daily - today my little treat from its shores came in bird form. I saw a common merganser which I've not seen in a long time. Certainly a disappointing name for such a dramatic looking bird. I love their straight, pointy lines and their bright clear markings.

Brene Brown on Vulnerability

2011-02-11T10:23:00.000-08:00

I can't remember the last time I read a whole book to learn something - my life seems to be a series of video courses, TED talks and YouTube videos.

Yesterday, at the ale house, I watched this TED talk on vulnerability. I've put it off for several weeks because the subject sounds so serious. The speaker cracked me up, though, and more than once the people at the next table over stared at me because of my loud guffaws. The information she presented dovetails nicely with the attachment work I've been doing with the Neufeld work.

Check it out and let me know what you think - the talks are about 20 minutes long.

Handwriting Update

2011-02-10T08:05:00.000-08:00

Check out these triangle pencils.

Soooo, after years of agonizing, encouraging, begging, pleading and grumping Theo to take pencil in hand and put *something* on the paper, we're finally made progress. To the point that in 6 months I've gone from deep despair to thrilled with where he is at.

Y'all have followed some of my agony (and several of you have personally endured my endless questioning and agonizing). I thought I'd share what's been working for us and where we are at.

The basic premise is easy: I offered him a bribe. Or maybe you could call it an exchange.

Through Boy's Life Magazine, Theo learned that Lego was releasing a massive multiplayer video game called Lego Universe. Theo loves Legos and has huge bins of them. He loves the idea of computer games. Theo loves the stolen minutes of playing Lego Batman at the Apple Store when I or his father shop there. Thus, the child worked himself into an absolute frenzy over the coming of Lego Universe (maybe we'll talk later about the intense genius of Lego marketing strategies). Which sucks when you have a mom who is pretty much completely opposed to video games. There was just absolutely NO WAY I was going to buy or let him play such a game. Which perfectly matched his plan that there was absolutely NO WAY he was going to make fluent friends with his pencil.

In a moment of giant frustration, I finally keyed into this parallel. Then I hatched a plan. I'd buy the game, and Theo could play it any month he's written enough words to "buy" the on-line subscription. Bingo, I had instant buy-in. 40 words of copy work 4 days a week for 4 weeks.

The first 3 weeks were the same version of hell we'd been living - Theo sitting at the table alternating between how stupid I was, how stupid the copy work was and how stupid he was being. But he'd get 20 or 30 words done over the course of 30 minutes. Then, one day in the middle of week 3 he stopped, looked at me and said, "You know, this really isn't that hard." And he did the work.

He LOVES the game and swears it was worth the work.

Now 6 days a week he's doing writing work - 4 of them are copy work days. Once he got 40 words done easily in 20 minutes, I moved the quota up to 50 words per session (I'd warned him at the beginning this would happen). It is often the first thing he chooses to sit down to in the morning. He's really beginning to enjoy interacting with the material I choose (okay, it is Harry Potter, how bad can it be?).

Most rewardingly, he's using pencil and paper to get what he wants in his life. He ran off and wrote his dad a reminder to make fried pickles for dinner soon. Today he wrote most of a grocery list for us while I was driving. He makes notes of lego ideas, and he copies down cheat codes for computer games from his friends at park day. The other day he wrote me a poem. Yesterday, he wanted to go play and couldn't stand to wait for me to finish working with his sister first so I could help him, so he plowed through writing out his history test on his own in the time it took me took to help her through it.

I'm so happy for the little dude. This year he's made a giant leap from pencil phobia to easy writing. And as I suspected, his life is much the richer for it.

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Classify The Ways

2011-02-06T09:58:00.000-08:00

One of the things that bugs me about the English language is that lack of words for the idea of friend.* Sure, there are a few synonyms for the people we are more or less close to in our lives (think acquaintance, buddy, classmate, college, partner) , but not clear words for how close we hold someone to our hearts.

It irks me to use the same word for the nice man who has been bagging our groceries for the past 5 years as the girlfriend I tell all my deepest secrets to or tearfully call during a time of crisis.

Two ideas about caring and relationship with people have collided in my brain recently to help me start making sense of this.

First is the idea of circles of influence. In searching for an image to share, I found that concept of circles of influence is used mostly in business and social welfare. But we can easily apply them to any aspect of our lives.

Using this tool to describe relationships, I could demonstrate the levels of influence people have on me. The more someone affects me, the closer to the center they are. So, if I put myself in the middle, the second circle would quite honestly be my husband as he, more than anyone else influences my life, thinking and enjoyment of the passing years. The next circle, then, would be the two or three girlfriends with whom I can and do talk about anything and everything in our lives. Many, many circles could be defined next depending on how often I see someone, how authentic of conversation we have, the varying levels of our shared interest. Not surprisingly, the closer to the middle the fewer specific names I would write into any given circle. And the further out the more names.

The problem with this model comes in with defining the circles. I could choose how often I see people or the depth of our conversations or how much they influence my daily life or how long I've known them. But relationships aren't this tidy. For instance, I have dear friends I talk with everyday on the phone. But I also have dear friends I only talk with once a year (granted, these are usually marathon-long conversations). There are people I talk with everyday who have very little impact on my life, they're just in it.

Which brings us to the second idea in the mash up. Gordon Neufeld describes attachment not just as a single phenomenon, but as a 6 stage process. Each step in becoming attached to someone follows the developmental capabilities of a growing baby each one building upon the earlier ones. Like this:

1- proximity (being near and experiencing with our senses- touch, smell, hearing)
2- sameness (being like someone as in shared traits or interests)
3- belonging (fitting in with, feeling loyal towards, being able to depend on)
4- significance (being important and special to, valued and preferred)
5- love (giving your heart to, feeling warm towards)
6- being known (feeling seen, understood from the inside, believed in, sharing personal truths with)

Now, when I scramble the circle of influence with Neufeld's attachment stages model, I can put the last attachment stage in the middle of my circle with all the other one radiating out from there. For me this clearly illustrates my relationship with all the people in my world.

What I really want, then, is six words to define friendship. Six terms that allow us to explain and negotiate our relationships with those around us. Then when you and I were out walking in town and I said hello to a "friend" you'd understand if this was the dude who is careful not to bruise my pears each week or someone so near and dear to my heart. Or when I canceled a lesson, the teacher would understand the level of importance of my Being Known friend being sick and needing help. Understanding where I landed in people's attachment circle would make easier to know where I stood with people and help me identify which relationships to put more or less of my energy into. We could so easily describe shifts in relationship, as in she was a Love level friend, but X happened and we've drifted to Sameness.

On the other hand, how quickly do you think we'd create a social disaster when people realized they held each other at different levels? How would we handle being quickly and easily defined as way less or way more significant to someone that we perceived? Would such clear definition lead to meaning creep, where people start mixing the terms in order to prevent hurt feelings?

Maybe it isn't such a good idea - maybe various words for different friends tried to surface over the ages and were stomped out by the resulting disharmony. Still, I enjoy thinking about the people around me and how they influence my life. It is useful for me to clearly define relationships from time to time. Having structured definitions could enable me to more easily help my kids navigate the tricky world of social connections.

I'd really love to have those six words, if only to use in the privacy of my own head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Here I was going to refer to the large number of words that Inuits have for the concept snow, but apparently that is an urban legend based on a misunderstanding of the constructs of the Inuit language.

How to Live to Be 100

2011-02-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

Here is a fascinating TED talk about longevity. About 20 minutes long, it ends with the 9 things researchers have found most common in communities with large numbers of centenarians.

Certainly makes me think about making a few changes to my life.

Pact Camp 2011: July 17-21

2011-02-03T18:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I registered our family for our 5th year of Pact Camp. This is the annual camp for transracial adoptive families that fuels and informs our life. Pact puts on an amazing program, both for kids and adults, with speakers and facilitators of amazing quality.

Pact Camp is a funny mix. Full of honest, caring people who will look you in the eye and tell you the truth about your life and the world, camp can bring out what's not working in our lives. So that's challenging. At the same time, there is so much that is deeply enjoyable and rewarding about spending days with such forthright people who care so much about our kids and our family - most of whom also love to find the bright and laughable in life. And of course there is the true beauty of spending 4 days not having to explain our family, just enjoying sharing with other families like us.

The kids are given the opportunity for lots of real conversation about their lives, along with plenty of fun and games. The kid's counselors come back year after year. They care so much about our kids and remember them from year to year - my kids glow on that first day back they see those familiar welcoming faces. I am constantly in awe of how carefully Pact manages to address the needs of both my adoptive African American child and my white biological child. Their staff really sees and provides for the whole family.

We go every year and each year camp changes who we are and how we see the world. I hope you'll join us and get to know this remarkable group of people and the support and change they bring for our families.

Oh, and yes it is in California. Believe me, it is worth the trip.

To read more about camp, read this by John Raible and Pact's official camp page here. Then, go register here.

Amazon's Funny

2011-02-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

Just ordered a new pair of running shoes as mine are kaput. Since I always wear the same style and size, ordering them online with fast free shipping saves me time and the irritation of running an errand.

Once I'd placed my order, Amazon's Thank You includes a list of recommendations. Guess what they suggest I buy to go along with my shoes? Doggie poopy bags. 35 rolls of them.

This Month's Weeper

2011-01-28T10:51:00.000-08:00

Weepers, in my book, are the songs that are so powerful and relevant to my life that I have to pull over while driving to either fully experience the song or collect myself so I can proceed safely.

Here's my weeper of the month.

Why Our Adoption is Like Chocolate Mousse

2011-01-26T22:41:00.000-08:00

Imagine, if you will, that you woke up this morning craving dessert.

Not just any dessert, but a very specific flavor and texture sensation. You spent the day feeling the urge for this perfect dessert, trying to put your finger (and taste buds) on exactly what it was that would fill that aching. Not the lunch you packed, the candy in the vending machines or the doughnuts in the break room are going to even begin to touch the yearning of your tongue.

Finally the work day is over, you've had a nourishing dinner and decide to venture out to The Dessert Place. As you stand contemplating the dizzying array of options, your eyes fall on a single beautiful cup of chocolate mousse. Every cell in your body cries out "THAT"S IT!" In that very moment, the server behind the counter takes that last, single cup of glorious mousse from the case and places it into the hands of another customer.

What more is there to do but go home, go to bed and wait for whatever the new day brings.

***********************

Two months ago, in the opportunity to be presented for a sibling group of 3 (4, 2, and 6 months), I saw my chocolate mousse. The perfect combination of children needing a home to fulfill the dream image of family that I have been holding all these years from a situation that appeared about as healthy, clean and clear as one could get in adoption. I love the idea of the stair-step children (10, 7, 4, 2, and a baby seems perfect). I love the idea of 5 kids. I love the distribution of boys and girls. I love the balance of color this little band would bring to our family. I love that they had and would always have each other.

Open-eyed, honest evaluation of the reality of bringing three children under the age of 5 into our family all at once clearly showed that the only person currently in our home this would be great for was me. Everyone else would struggle - and they'd get through it - but it would be super chaos and hard for everyone, maybe tearing us apart for years to come. And because I love and value my current relationships with my husband and two amazing beautiful children so much, we chose not to be presented for this darling band of siblings.

In that moment, I saw that while there were many ways we could bring more children into our life, that dream I held for the family I wanted is no longer possible. I saw the reality that with this little group of 3 we could have a full family and be "done" at the same time, able to plan what's next with as much certainty as one ever can. I realized how much I don't want to start over with a whole new set of babies when the two I already have are now at this age of freedom where we can travel and explore and talk and experience the world together.

So I'm done. Bill and I have decided to wrap up this phase of our life and put the dream of more children and a big family to rest. In a huge jumble of mixed feelings I am happy, sad, elated, relieved, excited and disappointed all at the same time. Sometimes I ache for the large family I now know I will never have and sometimes I can hardly stand the excitement of seeing what's next for both me and our now complete little family.

Charity Navigator

2011-01-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

I love to support organizations that do the work I think makes our world a better place. The problem often is, though, how to figure out which organizations to support. I hear stories of non-profits where money and resources is poorly spent or most of the dollars go to the director's salary. So mostly I stick to the groups I know and hope they run a clean operation.

Enter Charity Navigator! I happened upon it last night reading an email from Western Washington Girl Scouts. Charity Navigator rates non-profits. Enter your favorite charity and the web site will show you an overall rating, organization efficiency, income statement and other useful information to rate your choices by.

Let me know what your favorite organizations are and how they rate!

Dreaming A Church For Me?

2011-01-02T12:14:00.000-08:00

Chartres Cathedral window.

I grew up in a Pentecostal church, Four Square to be exact. As a young adult, I eschewed all things God, though I did eventually find myself comfortable in some of the New Age spirituality and ideas.

As I mature I don't really miss church per se, but I've come to miss many aspects of having a religious community. While I've visited a few local churches and thought about what I value and want from a place of worship, my hopes fail that anything in the Seattle area will work for our family.

In my wildest dreams, what I hope for my family is:
- A diverse group. This means at least 50% people of color (heavily participating in leadership) and plenty of LGBT folks.
- Inclusive. I want a church that reflects my belief that we are all One - or precious in the eyes of God as the words from my childhood promised. So I need a congregation that stands for, and works towards, the equality of all its members - no matter their color, abilities, or sexual orientation.
- Tolerant of varying levels of belief. Pinning down my own personal belief system evades me. If one is willing to put spirituality on a continuum (which I am, though many are not), I range somewhere between agnostic and New Age. Tracking my hubby's current level of belief is even trickier than my own, in part because I don't live in his head. I want a community that supports and accepts each member of our family where we are right now. I dream of a fellowship focused on a rich spiritual life drawing from many of the world's wisdoms and religions without an evangelistic need to make one belief the right path.
- Really great music. Remember, I grew up in a Pentecostal church? I want singing, clapping and loud proclamations of joy during a worship service.
- Community focused. As in a congregation that supports the healthy connection of its members through offering potlucks, various focus group meetings (like marriage, singles, parents, anti-racism, youth), and family events. Ooooooo... And women's groups. I long for a warm, supportive women's group.
- For bonus points - Near my house. I want my church to be part of my community, too. Driving 40 minutes to meet with people I can only see during services because the overhead is too far to get together other times doesn't really work for me.

Living in Seattle, I've found many a church that mets some of the above needs, and fails profoundly at the others. I've heard of a church on the Bay area that ticks off my list beautifully, and I'm green with spiritual jealousy. Inklings of hope that a church like that will open in Seattle someday trickle through my brain occasionally.

In the meantime, I'll continue to dream. Now that I've shared my hopes with you, let me know if you hear of anything.

Adoption Reading Challenge at Munchinland

2010-12-31T07:36:00.000-08:00

The Chronicles of Munchin Land, one of the blogs I read, is offering an adoption reading challenge for 2011. Basically, commit to reading a certain number of books about adoption and report back on her blog.

I'm in - what a great way to work through the stack of books next to my desk with others. Based on what my calendar looks like for the next six months, I'm going to join in at the basic level - 3 books. Now to choose which ones.

What about you? Are you in? As she points out, you don't have to be part of the adoption "triad" to benefit from learning more about adoption and people's experience of it. Let me know if you need ideas.

Climate Alarmism?

2010-12-28T19:11:00.000-08:00

The subject of environmentalism is highly popular today with most parents and educators. While our family appreciates the wonders of nature and revels in the amazing variety of animals of the world, I have mostly avoided exposing our kids to the current earth-friendly trend. I do this both because I think it is alarmist and likely based on bad science and also I find the messages of the movement are not child-friendly or age appropriate for my youngsters.

Based on my point of view, I really enjoyed this editorial forward to me from Forbes magazine. Let me know what you think.

(Disclaimer: I really enjoyed and agreed with this piece. I know next to nothing about either Larry Bell or Forbes and didn't do any research to find if either the writer or the mag are in line with my general philosophy of life.)

The Bell Tells for You
Hot Sensations Vs. Cold Facts
Larry Bell, 12.27.10, 10:00 AM ET

As 2010 draws to a close, do you remember hearing any good news from the mainstream media about climate? Like maybe a headline proclaiming "Record Low 2009 and 2010 Cyclonic Activity Reported: Global Warming Theorists Perplexed"? Or "NASA Studies Report Oceans Entering New Cooling Phase: Alarmists Fear Climate Science Budgets in Peril"? Or even anything bad that isn't blamed on anthropogenic (man-made) global warming--of course other than what is attributed to George W. Bush? (Conveniently, the term "AGW" covers both.)

Remember all the media brouhaha about global warming causing hurricanes that commenced following the devastating U.S. 2004 season? Opportunities to capitalize on those disasters were certainly not lost on some U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change officials. A special press conference called by IPCC spokesman Kevin Trenberth announced "Experts warn global warming likely to continue spurring more outbreaks of intense activity."

... read the rest of the article here.

(edited 12-29: Hubby informs me it is bad netiquette to post the whole text of an article to my blog - copy write issues and such - so I've deleted all but the first paragraph and added a link to the editorial).

Traditionally Busy

2010-12-26T09:21:00.000-08:00

I love the traditions and routines that come with the winter holidays. Of course, this season also presents me with loads of opportunities to become absolutely crazy busy. Crazy is something I've tried to be mindful about this year as one of my on-going goals in my life is to create plenty of space for peace and connection. Based on this goal, I tried to be mindful of how I planned this December.

Here are some of my favorite moments from the past few weeks in which I got to experience both:
- dipping candles and sharing stone soup with friends to celebrate the winter solstice
- decorating sugar cookies with my family
- chatting and wrapping presents with my hubby
- working with my son frying up donuts for Christmas morning
- sitting quietly by the light up tree while drinking my morning cup of tea

I also created several opportunities to see myself as overworked and under appreciated. Thankfully, I managed this year to fairly quickly be aware of those moments and find ways to undo them. Sometimes it simply meant taking a nap. Sometimes a phone call to a friend to express my frustrations or fears helped bring me back to a relaxed, more centered space. Once or twice it meant checking in with others to gauge expectations and then asking for help.

What do you do over the holiday season to feed your heart? What worked well for you this year?

Too Thick

2010-12-21T11:45:00.000-08:00

Lotion woes. The last batch ran like water, way too thin. In an effort to thicken it, I added lots of coconut oil. So much we now can't pump it.

Here's the problem recipe:
2 c coconut oil
1 c jojoba oil
1 c grapeseed oil
1 c beeswax
2 c water

In reviewing it, I see I didn't put in any olive oil at all. Guess I melt it all back down, add plenty of olive oil and re-whip. I'll let you know how it goes.

Africa is Really Big

2010-12-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

For anyone that suffers from the confusion that Africa is a country - as opposed to the truly huge continent that it is - comes this map.

You Have Not Idea How Big Africa Is (But This Map Does)

Pretty amazing and cool. And interesting when one starts to contemplate the global politics of it all.

Quick! Run to Costco NOW!

2010-12-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

Costco has the most amazing wrapping paper ever in the history of human kind. It will meet all your paper wants, needs and deepest desires.

The Christmas wrapping paper comes in big, full rolls. The paper itself is a nice heavy weight that covers boxes well and is easy to work with. The designs are delightful without being too cutesy. But very best of all, it is double sided with complimentary colors and designs on each side. Like peppermint candy swirls back with red and white stripes. Or snowman and reindeer design with bright HoHoHos on the other side.

Sigh. True wrapping happiness comes in bulk. Go get yours before they sell out!

Too Old for a Boyfriend

2010-12-15T09:02:00.000-08:00

Here's a great post by NakesWithSocksOn on about the absurdity of the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" when it comes to adults.

The post really resonates with me because I know so many people older than me (and I'm over 40 people) that have sweeties to whom they are not married. Calling those people "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" seems so wrong to me, especially when we're talking about my mother or grandmother. I really appreciate NWSO's eloquent treatment of the subject.

What do you think of it?

Blinded by the White?

2010-12-14T08:45:00.000-08:00

Teaching my kids history seems like a land mine to me. History can be taught from so many angles and is, in many ways, very subjective. As a white person, trained mostly in European history, I lack the solid background I'd like to have to teach my children about the world in a way that reflects both their races/cultural backgrounds.

After several years of agonizing over various curriculums and approaches I really didn't like, I finally landed on the History at Our House program, which I love. It is a Western Civ history course, which I know many people object to, in general. It is taught by a white man (which some people probably object to in general). But I honestly think understanding the history that has created Western Civilization is vital to understanding the world in which we live. It also provides a relative reference for understanding the history of other cultures. I've listened to all the lectures over the past few years, and the teacher's treatment of sensitive topics has seemed somewhere between delightful and completely reasonable to me.

Imagine my distress in learning recently that one of the other families I knew was using the program quit. Not just any family, but a family of color whose mother I hold in very high esteem. They were all so offended by the course's treatment of Columbus that they left the class. This was one of the subjects I felt nervous about and after listening the the lectures thought the teacher handled the very well.

I'm pulling out my Howard Zinn books to see what about the subject matter I'm so completely missing. I'm certainly willing to teach my kids alternative views of this, and any period, of history. What really concerns me, though, is my own level of awareness. How did I completely miss out on what was objectionable?

Am I completely blinded by my White education, privilege and self as to not be able to even see the experience of others?

10 Year Old Birthday Fun

2010-12-12T20:49:00.000-08:00

Sharing a few of my favorite pictures from Theo's birthday fun.

Showing off the Nerf gun his sister gave him. This gun was definitely his most hoped for present and his sister got big points for being the one to acquire it.

Admiring the Nerf vest from his Grandpa, which until this vital moment he didn't even know was part of the Nerf arsenal. He keeps it fully loaded by his bed at night.

Now completely geared up for birthday fun - what you can't see is the important contraption on his back, a camelback water back pack (from his seriously outdoor geeky grandma), thus enabling him to shoot many, many, many Nerf darts at his friends without even the need to pause for a drink.

And finally the birthday party. 10 boys shooting foam darts at each other for two hours. Serious, sweaty, wild (and well facilitated) fun.

Watching kids grow is a privilege, but watching them indulge in being the focus of their day is so much fun!

Parenting What Is

2010-12-11T20:02:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have the experience where you know something is true, and when that thing is true there is a best way to proceed, but somehow the dots haven't fully connected yet so you continue to do the wrong thing even when you're staring at the right thing?

I'm coming out of the fog of that right now. For months and months now, I've been telling people Rosie is non-emergent. Emergence, according my nascent understanding of Neufeld's term, is essentially our ability to play alone - to have our own thoughts and ideas come through us. Sometimes he calls it "venturing forth." Emergence comes from a state of maturity that is a result of complete attachments and a place of rest, basically trusting that we are safe and our needs will be met.

I think. Right now. Boy, nothing like trying to explain a concept to help clarify how much still don't completely understand about it. But I think I'm close.

Anyway, I've known for months that right now Rosie is not is a developmental place to play by herself. Which of course would mean that at all times, she needs some sort of external stimulation/support - me, her daddy, her brother, the dog, a book on CD, a friend - until she moves back into an emergent stage in her growth.

But guess what I've been doing? Two or three times a week, I've been scheduling work time for myself that assumes the kids will play peacefully on their own. And how's that been going? Terribly. Theo's off reading or doing legos or creating PVC pipe inventions and having a good old time, and Rosie's at my elbow whining and begging for ideas. Ideas she never takes my up on - because they are all projects for her to go off and do on her own. Duh!

Last Friday my neurological pathways finally connected - if she's non-emergent, scheduling time for emergent play will fail miserably. She'll be anxious and lonely, I'll be frustrated and behind on the work I want to do. So I stopped asking her to play on her own. Even before she started whining, I got out some projects we could do together and started working. I put away my work that required me separating from her and got out things she could do with me or next to me, like cooking and fixing items around the house. I put on a movie for her when I really, really needed to concentrate on my computer for 30 minutes.

She lit up. She's been so much more happy and relaxed. There have been lots more hugs and kisses and fewer tantrums and hits.

Now that my experiment has a clear result, I need to figure out what to do about it. Really, the question always seems to be, how do I meet everyone's needs? How do I give Rosie the connection she needs and get the personal time that I crave? Several ideas seem to keep coming to mind.
- Getting help from other adults to watch her so I can have focused work time rather than trying to steal minutes in the day. Daddy? Housemate? Babysitter?
- Rosie's a very visual learner. Maybe setting her up with educational videos wouldn't be the end of the world?
- Projects, projects, projects. If I'm going to be present to her, I need something stimulating and fun to fill our time. A few nights ago, I printed out 3 lapbooks I think we'll enjoy working on together. I've also purchased Crafting Fun 101: 101 Things to Make and Do with Kids. The book along with a box of related supplies will make a lovely, busy Christmas present for us together.

I'm feeling nervous that giving so much time and focus to Rosie will keep me from getting the personal time I want. And yet, I'm confident that meeting her where she is really at right now will create so much more peace and rest in our home. So I'm going to give it a try. And if kids grow the way they usually do, just about the time I get really good at providing generous amounts of attention for Rosie, she'll grow out of the need for it and long for time to play on her own.

Wouldn't that be sweet?

Up To Standards?

2010-12-08T15:02:00.000-08:00

During my visit to Wyoming with my grandmother, the topic of conversation inevitably turned to homeschooling. She expressed what I interpreted as honest curiosity about how I know what to teach and how to teach it. Did I take direction from the schools or the state or some other governing board?

Much explaining about Bill and my personal educational theories and standards drew nothing but blank looks, as if I were speaking some foreign tongue to which she had never been exposed. Finally, I resorted to the fact that each state publishes their standards on the internet, and I could access those at any time.

Ah, a light of understand begins. And then after a few moments pause, "Each state has their own standards? How do you choose?" Hmmmmm. Maybe skip the part about personal education standards this go around, I try the whole, "well I pick and choose what makes the most sense to me." Gets a nod of understanding. Encouraged, I throw in, "but there are lots of things in the standards I don't agree with." Which gets a surprised "like what?"

Now I know I've found my way in with my grandmother. She loves the fine arts. So I trot out our family's values for art and music, foreign languages and love of learning. Suddenly she lights up with the possibility of what my children and I can do with our learning time at home.

And in that moment, I'm guessing that not only did her concerns for my ability to teach to various standards set by a state education board relax, but I also met her standards for the life and education that her great-grandchildren should have.

Who's Daughter?

2010-12-06T13:34:00.000-08:00

Last night Rosie and I watched Elf together (she watched it earlier in the day with Bill). Usually, I steer FAR away from adoption movies as they can be such mine-fields. But Elf is recommended and enjoyed by several adult adoptees I know, so we rented it.

I was pleased. I think it handled the adoption related issues pretty well, and it created a few openings for conversation about what reunion can be like. I've read a lot of reunion related blogs, so this gave me an entrance to sharing some of those people's basic experiences with Rosie. I think she needs to hear some of the variety of these experiences right now as I know she's thinking a lot about being connected with her first mama.

Just after we finished the movie a friend called. I entered conversation with her by saying my daughter and I had just finished watching the movie Elf, to which Rosie shouted out, "I'm not your daughter, I'm K's daughter." I hugged her and told her how glad I am she likes that about herself. I also reminded her she will be both our daughter forever, and she will always be in both our hearts. She smiled at me and went to work on a puzzle.

I really am glad to see her shouting out the complexities of who she is to the world. It will take her far.

Ouch!

2010-12-05T15:32:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 5am with the beginnings of a serious migraine. I spent most of the morning trying to find relief, throwing up and snoozing. Somehow around noon I started to feel better. So no thoughtful blog post today, but all offers of sympathy accepted.

See you tomorrow.

Yee Haw! Updated Template.

2010-12-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

Look at me! I updated the blogger template after years and years of the same old thing.

Not that I was planning a new, updated and seasonally appropriate look. The old format was too narrow for us to see the whole Eureka! screen so changes had to happen. I may be a tad on the practice and routine part of the human spectrum.

Hope your eyes enjoy the renovation. And better Eureka!

Pretty Cute

2010-12-03T19:46:00.001-08:00

Little update from October...

If I do say so myself, Bill and I made some pretty cute Halloween costumes this year. We carefully arranged ourselves wherever we walked or sat as the order of our tiles pretty well summed up the pair of us. We really can be pretty full of it.

Happy Halloween, 6 weeks late!

Birthday Wishes

2010-12-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

Today, Theo turns 10. It's pretty amazing to think he's a whole decade old. The contrast between his relatively huge self and our 10 month old house guest is quite jarring. Was he ever that small? How did he get to be so big and competent and full of his own self?

For me the past decade flew by and I'm so thrilled to get to share in the journey of supporting Theo in becoming Theo.

He choose to celebrate his birthday at breakfast. So this morning at 7am we all gathered around bangers and cinnamon toast to fete his new year. I like end-of-day celebrations, but I must admit it is a relief to avoid the agony of spending the whole day with a small person impatiently waiting for presents. He's currently happily decorated from head to toe in Nerf gear and playing legos.

Coming home from the hardware store last night where I made my last minute dash out to get my gift to him, I decided either I'm truly weird or cool. I came home with 5 - 6 foot PVC pipes and 6 different fittings for them. Theo will transform them into various weapons and structures over the next year. He recently learned how to use the pipe-cutter so the world is his universe.

I suppose it is a combination of factors that compels me to buy strange things as presents - my deep desire for my kids to be creative with their world, my strong urge for them not to expect and demand the newest and shiniest item from the store, and my enjoyment of giving them what really tickles them in their moment of developmental growth.

When he turned one, I presented Theo with a huge storage bin full of rice he could climb in and play with. Rosie got her own rolls of scotch tape when she turned two just for unrolling all herself. Around Theo's 5th Christmas, I put a box full of random bits and pieces from our local junk/hardware store. I'm considering 6 rolls of different colored duct tape as Theo's Christmas present this year.

Which all works out to the same end - I adore my kids. I love seeing who they are and what is fermenting deep inside their little hearts, brains and souls. I love helping draw out the fullness of their bright potential. And I'm so glad to have the honor of being a parent for these 10 years.

Google Maps Fixation

2010-12-01T22:11:00.001-08:00

I just spent half an hour entering all my driving routes into Google Maps.

Because I HAD to know if route A or B to the Goodwill was more efficient. Also, what is the best way to save 2 minutes getting to the grocery store? Everyone needs to have the quickest way to park day mapped out, right? Turns out, at least from my house, most of the driving route choices are six of one, half dozen of another.

Interestingly, my favorite route to park day is 11 minutes longer than the Google recommendation. What they don't factor in, though, is the view. I *like* to go my way because I love to cross the West Seattle Bridge, notice all the big ships and industrial action going on then cruise along the Viaduct so the kids and I can count ferries, Coast Guard vessels and cruise ships.

So now despite the fact that technology offers me the best, fastest, most efficient way to travel, I'm likely to keep on doing what I've been doing. Isn't there some sort of saying about that?

Eureka!

2010-12-01T09:26:00.000-08:00

Last year a friend of mine introduced us to a Canadian cartoon about physics. Both kids loved the program and watched it obsessively for six weeks. The links are on youtube, and I was (and still am) super nervous about letting my kids click around youtube without serious supervision. So our physics learning went by the wayside.

Last night, awake with Rosie and her fever, it occurred to me that I could post to them from my blog and then have the kids watch from here. Of course, I figured there were 10 or so of them, but those Canadians were prolific and produced 30 episodes. Much copying and pasting later, I think all the embedded links are working. Bonus for you, you get a chance to easily access these highly entertaining and education treasures from the 1970's!

Enjoy and learn!

Eureka! Episode 1 - Inertia

Eureka! Episode 2 - Mass

Eureka! Episode 3 - Speed

Eureka! Episode 4 - Acceleration, Part 1

Eureka! Episode 5 - Acceleration, Part 2

Eureka! Episode 6 - Gravity

Eureka! Episode 7 - Weight vs Mass

Eureka! Episode 8 - Work

Eureka! Episode 9 - Kinetic Energy

Eureka! Episode 10 - Potential Energy

Eureka! Episode 11 - The Incline Plane

Eureka! Episode 12 - The Lever

Eureka! Episode 13 - Mechanical Advantage and Friction

Eureka! Episode 14 - The Screw and the Wheel

Eureka! Episode 15 - The Pulley

Eureka! Episode 16 - Molecules in Solids

Eureka! Episode 17 - Molecules in Liquids

Eureka! Episode 18 - Evaporation and Condensation

Eureka! Episode 19 - Expansion and Contraction

Eureka! Episode 20 - Measuring Tempurature

Eureka! Episode 21 - Tempurature vs Heat

Eureka! Episode 22 - Atoms

Eureka! Episode 23 - Electrons

Eureka! Episode 24 - Conduction

Eureka! Episode 25 - Volume and Density

Eureka! Episode 26 - Buoyancy

Eureka! Episode 27 - Convection

Eureka! Episode 28 - Heat as Energy

Eureka! Episode 29 - Radiation Waves

Eureka! Episode 30 - Radiation Spectrum

The Amazing Thing About Older Kids

2010-11-18T07:31:00.000-08:00

It's 7:25 am and we're supposed to leave for the airport at 8:00. The kids and I are taking a quick trip to Wyoming to visit my grandmother.

The kids helped set out their clothes yesterday and roll them up into bundles. They packed toys and a few books for the flight. This morning they got up, dressed themselves and ate the breakfast I set out for them.

We're all packed and I have nothing to do but wait. Amazing.

Brain Full

2010-11-14T08:07:00.000-08:00

In that past week, I've tried several times to post. I sit in front of the computer, my fingers poised to type but nothing comes out. Or alternatively, I write a bunch of words, decide they make no sense or are way to personal and immediately delete the post.

Swimming around are facts and ideas from:
- Cindy Leavitt's visit presenting more of the Neufeld material, focusing on gifted and sensitive children. I attended 4 presentations/small group conversations in 4 days and am still trying to incorporate the information.
- Lee Binz, a local homeschooling mom who coaches parents in homeschooling, did a talk three days before Cindy's on homeschooling gifted children. Her ideas dovetailed nicely with quite a bit of Cindy's information. Lee seems to be a very practical woman, so her lecture included the added bonus of how-to's that I'm trying to figure out how to bring into our days.
- I was captured over the weekend with the idea of a professional pursuit. Something I haven't been interested in for at least 10 years.
- Bill and I considered and passed on the opportunity to adopt a sibling set of 3 children, ages 4, 2 and a baby. Just trying on the idea of suddenly becoming a family of 5 was intense and letting go of it has been hard for me.
- At least 2 other things that are major and important for our family have opened up, neither of which I feel comfortable broadcasting over the internet right now.

So my brain is full, but my blog is empty. Maybe a few more days of letting the information ripen will eventually lead to some meaningful output.

Working Through How to Work

2010-11-11T08:49:00.000-08:00

It occurs to me that one of the reasons homeschooling is such a challenge, at least in this household, is that Theo is so dang smart. Not unlike the observation that gifted children avoid futility* so well with their clever minds, I see that Theo's clever little mind works at getting around doing any actual schoolwork.

To be honest, doing school work has no value to him. And honestly, I don't expect it should as he's 9 years old and can't really hold onto the idea of doing X or Y right now so that he'll be able to reach his dreams when he's an adult. It is way more fun to build legos. He loves to play on the computer and read comic books, and he's figured out that he can just wait until our "light" days on Friday, Saturday, Sunday to do his 4 required items and then indulge in his passions, rather than doing the full list Monday-Thursday. And suddenly I find myself faced with a boy who has ZERO interest in working and actually a clear cut plan of how to NOT work as it serves his desires.

I'm feeling stuck. I don't want to have escalating structures, rules or behavior charts. What I really want is for us to sit down together in a happy peaceful way and get the work done that I've assigned. I am confident it's not too much - 3 hours of school work a day that includes the history he's passionate about, drawing lessons that make him giggle and the math he just tears through is not too much.

Probably the bit that hangs us up right now the most in our schooling time is my trying to send each of them off to doing their own thing. As in, "Rosie and I are doing math right now, Theo please go work on your writing." While the amount of separation seems tiny to me, it looks like it is too big for either of my kids. When I send them off to work independently, Theo spends his time messing around, and Rosie hangs on me and whines. Perhaps there is something intense to them about me engaging with their sibling and sending them "away" to the other side of the room.

My best guess right now is to really focus on the idea of coming along side - literally getting next to him and saying "this is what we're going to do now." Some combination of eliminating the separation, being the big mama and holding the work that needs to be done as a type of futility (as in this is *going* to happen now).

I'm looking for feedback. Does this sound clear to people? Am I getting taken for a ride and not noticing it? How does the theory of "coming along side" to do our school work sound - and any ideas how on earth I'm going to make that happen with 2 kids at the same time?

*************************************

* In Neufeld's attachment based developmental model, experiencing futility is a huge need for humans in general and our kids specifically. Futility is the realization that life is not going to be exactly the way we want it and that we need to adapt to life. It is in the process of adapting to what is that we grow, we make space for new ways of being/seeing the problem, and we learn that we can handle the big experiences life throws at us and still be okay.

Experiencing futility is incredibly vulnerable and shows us our powerlessness. I think as Americans in general we tend to avoid this vulnerability, and our children who think they need to be big and in charge of their worlds (instead of we adults being in charge) do the same thing.

A Small Gift

2010-11-07T06:34:00.000-08:00

Today is the 10th day in my heavy-duty commitment to get up every morning and be in charge of my kids, whether Bill is here or not (right now, he's not). The results shine, both of my kids show in their own way that this is working for them.

Still not a surprise to anyone, this has been a giant struggle for me. After Bill and I hung up from the session with our consultant in which she told me in no uncertain terms I needed to be up when kiddos arise, I burst into tears. It is just so hard for me.

Today, I got a tiny gift from the universe (or the legislature however you see it). Day light savings time. I got a whole hour of extra sleep. Manna from heaven for my tired, aching body. I "slept in," yet breakfast is started and children are still sleeping and I have a few precious moments to share my thoughts with you.

I can do this.

Why So Angry?

2010-11-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

From John Raible Online, here is a list that begins to illustrate the privilege we non-adoptive people live with but rarely recognize.

As adoptive parents, we've got to carry the knowledge of these needs because whether or not our children voice them, they are there. Always, I think our job is to hear, see and validate adoptees' losses and anger. And way more often then I and we (as a society) do, we need to step up to the plate to speak up and advocate.

Why so angry?

October 24th, 2010 § 31 Comments

At the risk of speaking for other adoptees,

Here’s how I would answer the question: What do angry transracial adoptees want?

We want to feel like we belong, unconditionally.

We want to feel welcome wherever we go.

We want to not be stared at when we go out with our families.

We don’t want to be asked, Is that your real mother/sister/brother/father?

We don’t want to be asked, Would you rather have been left in the orphanage/group home/foster home/street to die?

We want people to keep their hands off our hair.

We want people to stop being curious about our skin, our eyes, our hair, our bodies.

We want to feel normal.

We want to be treated as mature adults and not little children.

We want our sealed records to be unsealed already.

We want our original birth certificates.

We want our foster care files, and our orphanage records.

We want to be able to know for certain if the person we are about to have sex with is biologically related to us.

We want to know where our biological siblings are.

We want to be able to contact our first families—our foster families who took care of us, our biological families whose genetic and cultural heritage we share, our blood brothers and sisters left behind in orphanages and group homes.

We want ALL our questions answered.

We don’t want to be paid for, to be sold, or treated like commodities.

We don’t want to be told we are “lucky.”

We don’t want to be abused.

We don’t want to be exploited.

We don’t want to be studied, researched, and psychoanalyzed, especially when research studies merely justify the pain we have been forced to endure.

We don’t want non-adopted people to build careers off our pain and our struggles.

We don’t want to be the “diversity experience” for our school, our house of worship, our neighbors, or our families.

We don’t want to be told how to feel—don’t feel so angry, don’t feel so sad. Don’t feel bitter. Feel happy, feel grateful, feel lucky.

We want information about diseases we may be carrying, and medical conditions we may be susceptible to.

We want to not have to leave page after page blank when we go to the doctor and give our medical history.

We want to be treated the same as the children born into our adoptive families.

We want our legal inheritance rights to never be contested at the reading of the wills.

We want to be treated without teasing about our origins, as if we aren’t really part of the family.

We don’t want to be told that we aren’t really African American or Asian American, that we’re not real Indians or Latinos, as if we are somehow a fake version of our ethnicity of origin.

We want to be able to go to the store, the movies, the park, or the mall and not be followed around, stared at and singled out.

We want to not be called names, teased, or bullied because we are different.

We want to fit in, and to be able to blend into our environment.

We want to be around people who look like us.

We want to be around other families that resemble ours.

We want to know LOTS of other adopted people.

We don’t want to forever be the oddball, the token, the weirdo, the one who was obviously adopted.

We want to control who knows our adoption status and who gets to hear our adoption story.

We want to be treated with respect.

We want to be loved.

We want to be listened to.

We don’t want to be patronized.

We don’t want to be your token.

We don’t want to be your Asian / Black /Latino /Native /Pacific Islander /African friend.

We don’t want to have our so-called issues ridiculed.

We don’t want to be pathologized.

We want to see ourselves and our families reflected realistically on TV, at the movies, in magazines, and in advertisements.

We want to be part of the majority.

We want the privileges that others get just by being born into their families.

We want to NOT have to decide whether or not to search.

We want information about our origins collected and safeguarded for us for when we are ready to receive it.

We want the power of self-determination.

We want first class–not second class– citizenship. No questions asked.

We want to know how to act Colombian or Black or Native or Korean or Indian or Guatemalan or Ethiopian or Chinese so that when we meet others who look like us, we can fit in and feel comfortable, instead of anxious, unsure of ourselves, incompetent and scared.

We want our families to stand with us against racism, against genocide, and against the destruction of our birth families and communities.

We want families who believe us when we say something racist just happened.

We want our families to speak out against prejudice and oppression.

We want our classmates and teachers to stop being ignorant and small-minded about racial differences.

We want adults to stop romanticizing our cultures.

We want you to stop fetishizing our bodies: our hair, our skin colors, our eyes, our genitals, and other so-called racial differences.

We want you to stop appropriating our culture.

We want families to stop bragging about how they got us.

We want families to stop parading us in front of the company or neighbors.

We want families to stop showing us off in front of the congregation.

We want families to teach us how to be secure in our skin and comfortable with who we are.

We want families to feel as uncomfortable as we often do. Why should we bear the brunt of the racial differences in the family all by ourselves?

We want to have allies by our side, to trust that somebody’s got our back.

We want to learn about our countries and communities of origin. But we don’t want to be forced to go to “culture camp.”

We don’t want to be forced to follow your religion.

We want to be able to ask questions without worrying about hurting anyone’s feelings or risking our place in the family.

We want to be able to talk about our birth families without our adoptive relatives becoming uncomfortable or angry.

We want to be able to talk about our adoptive families without our birth relatives becoming sad.

We want to be able to express how we really feel without you getting mad or sad.

We want to be able to get information when we want it.

We want to be able to not be subjected to insensitive remarks or intrusive questions from random strangers, neighbors, and even friends.

We want the same gifts that the kids born into the family get from extended family members.

We don’t want to have to wonder all the time if this is an adoption-related issue.

We don’t want to have to wonder all the time if something happened because of our race.

We don’t want to be treated like your pet, your project, or the object of your missionary zeal.

We want to be ourselves.

We don’t want to be a poster child for someone else’s cause.

We want to be able to choose.

We want to be able to love more than one set of parents and one set of siblings.

We want to be able to live without waiting for some surprise to pop up unexpectedly: some long lost relative or birth parent, some former caregiver surprising us out of nowhere.

We want the security of knowing that we will never be abandoned again.

We want to be told the truth, and not some feel-good fantasy of “how much we were loved so that is why we were given away.”

We want to trust that our place in our family is forever secure.

We want to believe that we are as capable and lovable as the next person.

We want security.

We want free and fluid identities.

We want inner peace.

We want freedom from racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, and other forms of oppression.

We want social justice.

When we take a stance for freedom and social justice, we want allies standing with us.

We don’t want to carry the burden of difference alone.

We don’t want to fight our battles alone.

We don’t want to fight for adoption reform by ourselves.

We don’t want to fight racism by ourselves.

We want equality NOW.

We want freedom.

We want justice.

We want to be with each other, with fellow adoptees.

We want to be in charge of our lives.

We want our humanity.

We want community.

We want our first families back.

We want our given names.

We want to speak our native languages.

We want our original citizenship reinstated, and dual citizenship if we were forced to leave our motherland.

We want to feel that we count.

We want to feel wanted for who we really are, not who you want us to be.

We want to feel that we matter.

We want to feel real.

We want to be left alone.

We don’t want to feel like the outsider.

We want to blend in.

We want a space to breathe in and breathe out without someone questioning us or invalidating our experience.

We want adoption to be about us and what we need, and not about parents–birth parents or adoptive parents.

We want adoptee empowerment.

We want to be able to take a break from being adopted. Frankly, it’s exhausting.

Finally, we want transracial adoption not to hurt so damn much.

OK Go Rocks the Dogs

2010-11-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

Rosie and I came across this yesterday while enjoying the treadmill video for the 10,000 time. We were transfixed!

I wonder if watching it over and over again qualifies as some sort of homeschooling lesson?

Another Year on the Fine Line

2010-11-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

An ad in my email inbox from Jockey.com (they have sleepwear on sale) reminds me that November is National Adoption Awareness month. With companies all over the country advertising support for adoption support this month, I feel compelled to write. Again.

There is something weird to me about all this drive to support adoptive families. Because in the end, I don't really think we're the ones that need support. Not that I'm going to turn down free money, but I've been vetted and interviewed to bring children into my family. Part of the process of adopting children is proving one has the resources (financially, emotionally and community-wise) to meet their basic needs.

There's something whacked about a whole nation of marketing focusing on supporting the families caring for children in a second family rather than on meeting the basic needs of the family that brought the child into the world. How about National Pregnant Mama Month raising funding and awareness about the vulnerability of being a pregnant woman in this country. Or Parenting Skills Month where companies could bring in funds to create services and support for parents struggling to do differently for their kids than was done to them. Heck, even Foster Families Month where people all over the nation could support children in transition, their first parents who are working to create a home for them, and the foster families that create a safe space for the children during that time. Oh, I have a radical one - National Adoption Eradication Month where the whole country works together to eliminate the poverty, manipulation and privilege that create the need for children to be separated from their families.

Of course, we the adoptive parents are the ones of privilege, getting our "issues" known and helping create national marketing campaigns. Perhaps we could begin to use our powers for the good of our whole community and not just the children we have removed to our homes.

This is where I walk the fine line. Longing for the placement of a baby in our home NOW and holding the knowledge that my blessing is the result of suffering and oppression of others.

Welcome to National Adoption Awareness Month. I hope you will share a deeper awareness of the real issues of adoption with those you know this month.

Paper Mache in Seattle - Ughhh

2010-10-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

I love craft projects. I grew up doing paper mache. Several years during summer school we work in the goopy meduim. We made volcanos and pigs. I remember my mom making my brother a paper mache hat with a metal bowl for the form. Probably I worked along-side her making my own creation.

The years have crept by while I've waited for my kids to be old enough to do paper mache with me. Recently Rosie achieved the age and interest level needed for me to propose the project. We pulled out newspapers, balloons, toilet paper tubes and various scrapes from the recycle bin. I mixed up flour and water, and we went to work. Everything was exactly as I remembered - creating the forms, dipping and layering the newspaper.

And then came time to dry them. Now, in Montana, we'd do a layer of newspaper in the morning, wait a few hours and add another layer. An entire project could be covered in 3 layers, painted, and dry enough to take home at the end of 2 days. After 2 hours here in Seattle, our paper mache was still dripping. After 2 days our paper mache was still wet to the touch. After 2 weeks they are finally dry and the children's interest has moved on to other things.

Likely I'll pick up the project again in the next few days just to get the pig and mouse eventually done and out of the dining room. However, I'll think twice next time before I propose a project that include the concept of "drying" while living in Seattle.

Are Turf Fields Toxic?

2010-10-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

Seattle Parks department is busy laying down artificial turf fields all over the city. Two new ones just went in blocks from our house, and I notice many at the school fields that have hosted the numerous soccer practices and games we've attended recently.

They smell awful, like plastic and rubber. Our whole family carries the smell for maybe an hour after being at the field.

So here's my concern - is this safe? What are these fields made of and are they toxic? Do I really want my growing children on them for 6+ hours a week?

Based on a quick google search, I'm guessing I don't. Clifford Law's Personal Injury blog has concerns. In 2007, The New York Times published an article suggesting "worrisome levels of zinc and lead." Environmental Health News has a 2008 abstract for a study citing levels of toxic chemicals found in every test done and calling for evaluation of health risk to both adults and children.

Toxicity aside, over the years I've seem more than a few articles calling out the benefits of nature for a child's physical and emotional development, even some suggesting enhanced brain development. There's no way playing on an artificial field is going to yield any of this goodness.

What do you know? Any good resources to share on this topic? What on earth am I going to do about this quandary when the city is so gung-ho about them?

The Political Compass

2010-10-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

Resist Racism posted a link a while back to a test to determine one's own political leanings. Take a short survey to find out where you land on the graph.
Here's mine. I'm the little red dot towards the bottom.

The trick is, I don't really understand what it means. Perhaps I would have done better to go to bed and sleep THEN in the morning try to read through the information introducing the test. My best guess is that the test confirms my idea that I am socially liberal and financially conservative.

Anyone care to explain? And tell me about your test, too!

Apparently Not

2010-10-19T21:58:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks I've struggled to get tickets to the Harry Potter exhibit at the Pacific Science Center. Issues with my login and the ticket booth's computer stymied me day after day.

Last Friday I tried again. Pushing many buttons on my phone eventually yielded a receptionist. I told her I was having problems buying tickets on-line. She asked for more detail, and I hoped her plan was to connect me with just the right tech person. I enumerated my problems logging into my Science Center account, which had worked this summer when I signed the kids up for summer camp. She started a little problem solving, so I assured her I used the right email address (I only use one), I promised her I had clicked on the "forgot my password" link many times to no avail. After a pause, she suggested I restart my computer.

Trying to hold back my deeply contemptuous and snarky remarks, I choked out, "Restarting my computer is not going to affect my access to your database." Deep breath. And then very politely, "Would you please connect me with someone with technical experience?"

To which she replied, "I was a computer programmer for almost twenty years, does that count?"

You can't believe how much restraint it took me not to respond, "Apparently not."

************************
To be completely fair to the Science Center, said receptionist finally connected me with the membership department. A lovely man on the other end of the line explained that the box office and the education departments maintained two separate databases, so I need to establish an account for the box office database. He then very pleasantly helped me get the exact tickets I had hunted for so many weeks.

Dropped Off the Face of the Earth?

2010-10-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I didn't actually drop off the face of the earth as soon as NaBloPoMo ended, but apparently I do better with structure than not. Currently I'm considering posting on all the odd days of the month (because face it, I'm a little odd). Perhaps that will get all of these thoughts and ideas out of brain and onto the "page."

It is a beautiful sunshiny October morning here in Seattle. We're off to Japanese class and hopefully playtime with friends this afternoon.

Mason Ball

2010-10-08T14:15:00.000-07:00

Last weekend the kids invented a new game. We call it Mason Ball.

Our dog loves balls. He expertly handles anything round in any size. After several near-punctures with soccer balls, somebody thought to get out the basketball. It is too big for him to get his very large mouth around, yet still he maneuvers it lightening speed around the backyard with his nose and paws.

Mason Ball is not unlike soccer. The point of the game is to tag the far fence with the ball and then get it down the yard and through the goal, which sits about 3/4 of the way across our small space. It often takes 3 humans against Mason's fast, low, determined self to get the ball through the goal. We play all-out until Mason lies down in happy, panting exhaustion.

At the end of the game the dog is totally exercised therefore calm and relaxed and the kids are happy and somewhat out of breath. I suspect playing Mason Ball twice a day may affect my children's soccer skills, free of charge.

It is the perfect game!

Dog with a History

2010-10-07T18:17:00.000-07:00

Something that became instantly clear when we got our new dog is that he has a past.

He knows how to walk on a loose leash. He thinks he's supposed to sleep on the bed. He'd obviously never met a flag pole before. He has a general idea of what the word sit means. He knows drop, not out, for letting go of the ball. Nobody ever flushed a toilet in front of him before. He has a plan for getting attention when people turn their backs to him (bit them in the butt). He's comfortable with kids, women, men and cats. He's had lots of time playing with balls of all sizes.

Our kids ask a lot about his previous life. When did the other people get him? When is his birthday? Did they take him to doggie school? How sad might they be that he's gone? What sort of food did he eat before? How did he get lost?

Some people seem to want us to pretend like we're it for him. Act and think like everything he knows and does reflects his relationship and time with us, like his life began in Port Orchard that day we met him. Maybe because we just don't know anything about his past. Maybe because it hurts everyone's hearts to imagine a family out there missing him everyday as much as we are enjoying him everyday. And yet on a daily basis, he shows us otherwise with some practiced command we discover or obviously perfected trick he has.

He is so clearly a dog with a past that formed him to the pooch he is today. The more we stretch to find those old commands and habits and invite them into our current lives, the easier life is for everyone and more relaxed he becomes.

So here's my big question. If it is so deeply clear that my one year old dog comes with a past that needs to be discovered and honored, how can people possibly miss this need for their adopted children? How?

More House Elf, Less Queen

2010-10-06T10:14:00.000-07:00

Friday morning ended up being the opposite of the mama's in charge, everything runs smoothly type of days I've worked towards since I started the Neufeld material. You know, the ones where I feel like I'm Queen of the Universe.

In the middle of the night Thursday, I woke up with a horrific headache. An hour of fussing around provided me with the comfort I needed to fall back asleep, but I was way behind on rest when Friday morning rolled around.

By the time I dragged myself out of bed, the day was in full swing. For several hours without me, the kids played playmobil, ate sugar cereal (and who was the doofus that brought THAT into the house?), built forts and developed a whole plan for the day. This meant that once I brought up my plan for the day, I was the problem not the answer.

Which was exactly as fun as it sounded. I had a critical errand I needed to run. For the next three hours I struggled - I wanted them to eat nourishing food and get cleaned up so we could go downtown. They wanted me to wait on them hand and foot. None of the food I offered was considered edible, they screamed at me for ice in their water, demanded I fetch them socks and they bickered with each other like crazy. My clear pleasant requests were blatantly ignored, none of my great kid motivating tricks or games worked, none of my grumping helped, and they were still bickering with each other like crazy. I felt like a house elf working for the Malfoy family in the Harry Potter series.

Then, like mana from above, a friend called and invited us to the beach. I managed to get the kids out the door, and they played at the beach while I escaped on my critical mission. I returned with delicious food they were surprised and thrilled by. The busy physical work in the new environment, the shift from our unpleasant groove and the coup of returning with food righted the relationship. Suddenly, I was in charge again and the kids were happy to comply, carrying things back to the car, helping set the dinner table, finishing up some chores that had gone undone during the morning.

The frustration and stress of Friday morning followed me for several days. Being a house elf to two demanding masters turns out to be much harder and more exhausting than being benevolent queen to two cheerful and cooperative knights.

Which I guess gives me two pieces of good information for the mornings I'm struggling to get out of bed. First, the reminder that my getting up first really sets us up for success and ends up being much easier and less work in the long run. Second, when I've lost my grip at home, going out for fun and food is a great way to kindly put myself back in charge.

"You Know What's Weird?"

2010-10-03T17:37:00.000-07:00

Theo watched me counsel Rosie through doing a chore she felt resistant to. Apparently my chorus of "Honey, I know you don't want to, and I want you to do it anyway" prompted him to a reflective outburst.

"You know what's weird? You tell us to do stuff, and we just obey you. You tell us to do things and it's like we can't stop ourselves, we just do whatever you tell us."

My explanation to him that this is perfectly normal, I'm the mommy and kids listen to their mommies and follow their direction didn't sit well with his nine year old brain.

"No. It's weird."

Okay. Weird, but nice, at least for me.